


An Earth-Shattering Confession

by rememberwhenyoutried



Series: Let There Be Light [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Alternate Universe - Trans, F/F, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Transstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-11
Updated: 2013-11-01
Packaged: 2017-12-29 02:23:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/999745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rememberwhenyoutried/pseuds/rememberwhenyoutried
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been at least ten minutes since you closed your laptop and you still haven’t left your room. You are frozen between two equally terrible possibilities. Strangely enough, neither involves your mother refusing to believe you or rejecting you; these outcomes are out of your control and thus difficult to think about.</p><p>You’re going downstairs to tell your mother that you’re a girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this on a sleepless night in October. Last night, in fact. Finished it about twenty minutes ago. It's set in some sort of AU with trolls and humans in it and where Rose is a trans girl. It's my first fanfic, so hopefully it's not too dreadful!

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

TT: I've been meaning to ask you for a favor. And that favor comes with a confession.  
TT: It's rather a large favor.  
GA: I See  
GA: How Does It Compare To The Size Of The Confession  
GA: Are We Talking Mountains And Burrowbeast Hills Or  
TT: The confession is, if anything, larger.  
TT: Earth-shattering, if you will. Or possibly Alternia-shattering. One way or another one of our planets is going to get caught in the shockwave created by my horrifying secret.  
TT: The moment I open my mouth to speak the terrible truth will be remembered in the histories of advanced civilizations as the origin point of the bizarre spatial anomaly that erased this world, burrowbeasts and all, from the universe.  
TT: You may wish to bring a portable transportalizer so you can escape to a less doomed planet once I've opened my heart to you.  
GA: I Am Afraid I Have No Such Device  
GA: But As A Troll I Am Capable Of Surviving The Vacuum Of Space For Several Minutes Without Suffering Harm  
GA: Its Entirely Possible My Mysterious Rainbow Drinker Powers Will Extend That  
GA: And According To The Book You Loaned Me Two Weeks Ago A Mere Thirty Seconds Is All You Need Before A Helpful Soul In A Passing Spaceship Arrives To Affect A Rescue  
GA: Provided Said Ship Is Powered By An Engine Sufficiently Humorous And Improbable  
GA: So We Can Assume I Will Live Through This Momentous Event  
GA: And With That Assumption Safely Made And Acknowledged By All Parties Move On To The Confession Itself  
TT: Ah.  
TT: I had rather hoped to delay the moment of truth until such time as the favor is already in effect.  
TT: The two are interrelated, after all.  
TT: And,  
TT: I am terrified.  
GA: If It Will Help Your State Of Mind Then I Am Glad To Remain In The Dark  
GA: That Is A Figure Of Speech Of Course  
GA: The Dark Is Very Much Optional For Me  
GA: But I Would Be Happier If You Could Put Your Fear Away  
GA: We First Met Over A Year Ago And In That Time I Have Never Known You To Be Anything But A Very Friendly Honest And Honorable Young Man  
GA: And Your Friends Have Told Me Stories Covering Almost Your Entire Life None Of Which Have Contained Horrors Or Given Me Pause  
GA: There Is Nothing You Could Tell Me  
GA: Or Ask Of Me  
GA: That Would Make Me Think Less Of You  
GA: Of That I Am Certain  
TT: We shall see.  
TT: As for the favor, are you able to come over this weekend?  
GA: This Weekend  
GA: I Can Do Saturday  
TT: Good. I am going to ask you to make me a few items of clothing. Bring whatever arcane devices and cruel magicks you require to assist you in the initial stages of your work.  
GA: You Mean My Tape Measure  
GA: And I Suppose Something On Which To Record Your Measurements  
GA: I Normally Use My Phone For That But If It Is Not Sufficiently Cruel Or Arcane For You Then I Guess I Could Bring A Notepad And Sharpen It To A Killing Point  
GA: Or A Wounding Point  
GA: A Potential Beneficial Side Effect Of Which Being That I Could Leave My Flask At Home  
GA: Although I Suspect Your Mother Might Frown On An Alien Vampire Attacking Her Son With Tailoring Equipment And Then Greedily Consuming His Blood  
GA: It Is Your Call  
TT: If the cruelty is optional then I am happy to forget about it.  
TT: And instead clear a space in my mini-fridge for your flask.  
GA: Very Well  
GA: In That Case I Shall See You On Saturday  
TT: I will look forward to it and fear it in roughly equal measure.  
TT: Thank you, Kanaya.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

#

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: It's done.  
TG: oh hey lalonde  
TG: yeah no im fine thanks for asking  
TG: good of you to take such an interest in my wellbeing  
TG: im touched  
TT: I'm pleased nothing terrible has happened to you since we last spoke.  
TT: An hour ago.  
TT: I was beside myself with worry. It took me several minutes to compose myself before I could open Pesterchum to check on your wellbeing.  
TT: What if you had fallen down some stairs? I realize there are none in your immediate vicinity but I'm sure a flight or two would have presented themselves if your need to suffer an ironic accident became too acute.  
TT: Perhaps it has been days since your last bottle of apple juice and your previous conversation with me used all your remaining stamina. Even now, as I type, your death rattle is disturbing the neighbors and flocks of crows are divebombing your windows in an attempt to gain access to your apartment and thus feast upon your corpse.  
TG: ...  
TG: thats it?  
TG: i go to get a drink and when i come back youve managed only two absurd pontifications  
TG: either youre losing your touch or youre really worried about this  
TT: Can it be both?  
TT: I'm not sure I'm ready for this. What if she hates me?  
TG: she wont hate you shes kanaya  
TG: she reserves all her hate for juggalos and douchebags in stripy trousers  
TG: when she comes over youll take three million words to say what anyone else could say in five and then youll hug it out and youll come on pesterchum and act surprised that i was right about something  
TT: Ugh.  
TT: Can it be next week already? Can I please have done it all and moved to another state in disgrace?  
TT: I have no idea even what I'm going to say. How did you say it?  
TG: my methods wouldnt work for you  
TG: they were fairly specific and kanaya isnt my bro  
TG: shes at least as chill though so itll be fine  
TG: now get off the computer and hop to it  
TG: youve got a room to clean and a line to practice  
TT: Fine.  
TT: Brace yourself for dismayed sobbing around about the three o'clock mark on Saturday.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

#

Your name is NOT SOMETHING YOU PARTICULARLY LIKE TO THINK ABOUT, and you are PANICKING. Your room is clean, your hair is washed, your mother has been sent out on errands, and your friend of just over a year, the troll vampire on whom you have an enormous crush, and with whom you plan to share the deepest secret you've ever held, is coming over in about an hour.

You are simply not ready. You're not ready to put aside the fiction that everything is fine in your life. You're not ready to stop hiding behind a lie told by doctors the moment you were born and repeated by you before you understood the implications of it. You're not ready to let the most beautiful woman you've ever known walk into your room and learn who you really are.

You're also wasting time! This place really is a mess.

#

You hear the door chime and you rush down the stairs to open the front door. And there's Kanaya, tall, elegant, impossibly, enviably beautiful, in flats and a simple summer dress that makes you ache jealously for the ease with which she wears it.

"Hi, Kanaya," you say, ushering her in and trying to control your heart rate.

"Hello," she says, smiling and following you into the reception area. "This is certainly a large house. Did the wizards come with it or are they a deliberate design decision?"

"All questions about the wizards should be directed to my mother. I go back and forth on whether or not she seriously loves them or just litters the common areas with them to see how many I can stand before I call her bluff. My room's this way."

You both walk up the stairs and you have a brief moment to lose your mind over the fact that Kanaya Maryam is about to come into your room and then you're both there. You sit heavily on the bed and Kanaya takes your computer chair.

"So," she says, "I imagine that I should hear the confession before we go to work on the favor."

Your stomach churns. "Yes, I imagine we should. Um."

You glance up at her and she's just looking at you, smiling gently, for all the world seeming as if she could sit in the chair all year if it takes you that long to get around to making your confession.

Deep breath.

"This is very difficult for me to say to another person, almost as difficult as it was to say to myself, so please excuse me if I hesitate, or stammer, or run away to another country mid-sentence and start a new life working in vacuum cleaner repair. I... am..." but the words are getting away from you because you can see where the consequences lead so you give her a small, nervous grimace and start again. "For as long as I can remember, I've been... different. I've been reserved and quiet and rarely spoken up in public. You might have noticed that I tend to let the others do most of the talking."

"I have certainly observed that you are a lot more talkative and imaginative online than in person," Kanaya says, and smiles at you again.

You're not sure you can take another smile from Kanaya, knowing that after you say what you have to say she might decide to make this your last conversation ever. You spend a moment taking her in properly – her soft grey skin, her one hooked horn, her fangs that always seem to find a way to sit on her lower lip – and decide that even if she never talks to you again you'll have been glad to have known such a remarkable person for as long as you have.

No more messing around. This is it.

"Kanaya, I'm a girl."

And she frowns and you want to die.

"I do not understand," she says. "I thought humans came in two genders and that I had correctly identified you as a male."

"It's— it's not that simple!" you blurt out. "Most humans are one or the other, yes, but some are both or inbetween or something else and I'm a girl who was, well, what people seem to say these days is ‘assigned male at birth' but that's a mouthful and I don't think—"

You'd got lost in what you were saying and totally missed that Kanaya had crossed the room to the bed. You only stop talking when she lays a hand on your shoulder.

"I see that it is complicated," she says. "Make it simple for me."

You nod, and take a second to compose yourself.

"When I was born, they said I was male. But now I know they were wrong. I'm not a boy, not a man. I'm a girl, a woman."

"Ah. A misunderstanding, to be rectified. I see."

"Then... you're not angry?"

That puzzled frown again. "Why would I be angry?" she says.

"Some people," you say, "don't like people like me. They think we shouldn't be who we are. They call us by our old names and they hurt us."

"Then if I ever meet one of those people, I will be sure to threaten them with brutal dismemberment. May I ask something?"

You nod, mute.

"You mentioned an ‘old name'. Will you be acquiring a new one?"

You think of the notebook under your bed with two dozen signatures in it, names that you wore for a night and discarded as pretentious or inappropriate, and you realize, looking up at the troll still standing over you, apparently genuinely interested, that you discarded those names because, in your heart, you never believed anyone would ever call you by any of them.

You pick your favorite.

"Rose."

Kanaya's smile turns from supportive to toothy pleasure. "Rose," she says. "It is beautiful. I love it. Is it allowable for me to call you this name immediately, or is there some protocol to be considered?"

You can't stop yourself from smiling broadly back at her. Whatever reservations you had dissolved the moment you heard Kanaya say your name.

"Immediately!" you say. "If that's okay?"

"Rose, it is more than okay. Now, what sort of clothes am I to be making for you?"

She sits down next to you and puts a hand on your leg and for a second her hand is all you can think of. You recover.

"I want to come out to everyone. That is, tell everyone. About me; about Rose. All our friends. I was thinking next Sunday? But I don't want to do it as... this."

You gesture down at yourself dismissively. Kanaya nods.

"I see. Am I to assume you would like a dress? Something attractive? To wear when you make this announcement?"

Lost for words, embarrassed even to be asking this much, you nod.

Kanaya takes her hand off your leg and turns her whole body to face you. "Rose, I do not think you understand my position so I would like to make it clear: while I cannot imagine how knowing the truth of who you are could possibly cause anyone to become angry or hateful I see this is a fear you are struggling to stay on top of. Please be assured that I am neither angry nor hateful.

"We have spoken many times in the year we have known each other and while most of the time in person you are quiet and reserved to a fault and beyond you have occasionally seemed to forget to be sad and withdrawn and in those moments you are the most delightful and enchanting person I have ever met. If that was Rose breaking through from behind whatever walls she was forced to live behind then nothing could fill me with more joy than to experience the demolition of those walls first-hand.

"And if helping you to look the way you want to look will help you reveal yourself to our friends, and if standing beside you when you do will strengthen your confidence, then there are no tasks I can imagine that I could undertake with more joy in my soul."

Kanaya takes your hands in hers.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Rose," she says.

#

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: You asshole.  
TG: haha i knew it  
TG: congratulations  



	2. Chapter 2

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]

GA: Hello Rose  
TT: You have no idea how good it feels to see that name on my screen.  
TT: Until this morning it existed only as one of many attempted signatures in the back of a diary kept hidden under the most inaccessible part of my mattress.  
TT: So I suppose I have to assume my mother knows all about it and is merely waiting for the right season to have the garden planted with an ironically huge rose garden which when viewed from the vantage point of my room spells out “hello sweaty.”  
TT: With a smaller rose patch nearby to read, “*sweetie”.  
GA: Is Your Mother Given To Such Grandiose Insincere Gestures  
TT: My childhood cat was interred in a mausoleum.  
TT: Every month she refreshes his flowers.  
GA: And That Is Considered Ironic  
TT: I must admit I’m beginning to wonder.  
TT: A month or so ago there was a problem with the hot water in my bathroom and I spent a week using her electric shower. In the cupboard under the sink I found a large supply of bizarre-looking plastic bottles that turned out, upon Googling, to be vintage “Matey” bubble bath that my mother must have purchased on Ebay UK and imported, solely because the packaging is shaped like a wizard. I opened one up and found it to contain her usual bath oil which she’s obviously been decanting so that, come bath time, she can unscrew the wizard’s hat and scent the water with his cerebrospinal fluid.  
GA: Your Mother Bathes In The Thinkpan Juice Of Tiny Wizards  
GA: Ironic Or Not  
GA: And I Must Admit The Concept Of Irony Is Still Sometimes A Tricky One For Me  
GA: There Is Something Admirable About Her Dedication  
TT: If there is a line between ironic appreciation so dedicated you surround yourself with wizardly objects even in your private moments, and genuine obsession, then my mother is unaware of it.  
TT: Crap.  
TT: I’m going to have to tell her. Probably before I tell my friends.  
TT: She’ll be upset if I don’t.  
GA: Unless As You Said Yourself She Already Knows  
GA: I Bumped Into Your Mother On My Way Out Earlier Today  
GA: I Introduced Myself And Said That I Was Visiting You  
GA: Although I Have To Confess My Exact Words Were I Was Here To See Your Child  
GA: Other Options For Referring To You Being Unavailable As I Did Not Want To Reveal Your True Self To Your Lusus Figure Without Your Consent  
GA: She Asked If We Had A Nice Time  
GA: And When I Said Yes She Gave Me What I Can Only Describe As  
GA: A Look  
TT: A look?  
GA: A Most Piercing And Slightly Drunken One  
GA: I Believe She Thought A Genuinely Meaningful Transfer Of Information Was Occurring In That Moment  
GA: But The Truth Is I Was Just Baffled  
GA: Particularly By The Wink That Followed  
GA: Which Was Accompanied By Her Saying The Word Wonk  
TT: Oh dear.  
TT: “Wonk.”  
TT: She pulls that one out when she’s being conspiratorial. Or flirty.  
GA: Flirty  
GA: Should I Be Prepared For A Romantic Advance From Your Mother  
GA: It Would Certainly Be Flattering But She Is Not Quite My Type And Is Older Than Me Even Though She Does Not Particularly Look It  
GA: Perhaps I Should Ready My Defenses  
GA: Put Her Off  
GA: Maybe I Should Craft A Small Tasteful Pin Inscribed With  
GA: Down With Wizards  
TT: “Muggles Rule OK”?  
GA: Pointed Hats And Robes Go With Very Little  
TT: “Magic Is Fake As Shit”?  
GA: Now Rose I Do Not Think Profanity Is Required  
GA: Your Mother Is A Refined Woman And Will I Am Sure Respond Properly To A Little Subtle Wizard Bashing  
TT: She knows when to disengage. Worst case scenario she’ll go sulk in the lab for a few hours and return to the house tipsy and with several new cats.  
GA: The Point Is The More I Think About It The More I Suspect Your Mother Knows Something  
GA: So Perhaps You Should Tell Her  
TT: Now?  
TT: And once again I am terrified.  
GA: I Am Sure It Will Be Fine  
TT: Telling you went so well. For the first time in my life I feel normal and accepted. It’s intoxicating. I’m not sure I’m ready to risk losing that just yet.  
GA: I Am Not Going To Push You  
GA: If You Would Prefer To Wait That Is Obviously Your Choice  
GA: But I Think It Will Go Well And You Will Be Pleased To Have Fulfilled This Obligation  
TT: An obligation to her?  
GA: Well Perhaps But I Was Thinking Of It As Something You Owe Yourself  
GA: I Am Not An Expert On The Subject Of Rose Lalonde  
GA: Having Known You For Far Less Time Than Your Human Friends  
GA: But I Have So Enjoyed Talking With You Since You Told Me  
GA: You Are A Bright Light And The Thought Of You Darkening Yourself Again Out Of Fear Fills Me With Sorrow  
GA: As I Say This I Am Becoming Aware That This Is Something Of A Selfish Impulse On My Part  
GA: But I Hope You Can Look Past That  
TT: ...  
TT: I don’t know that anyone has ever said anything to me that made me so happy.  
TT: You go on being selfish, Kanaya Maryam.  
TT: I’m going downstairs to find my mother.  
TT: Goodnight.  
GA: Good Night  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]

TT: <3  


#

It’s been at least ten minutes since you closed your laptop and you still haven’t left your room. You are frozen between two equally terrible possibilities. Strangely enough, neither involves your mother refusing to believe you or rejecting you; these outcomes are out of your control and thus difficult to think about.

You’re going downstairs to tell your mother that you’re a girl.

But you look like a boy and you’re dressed like a boy.

Except for the lavender nail polish Kanaya put on you before she left, which you allowed her to apply despite worrying about having to walk around the house with your hands in your pockets until you can rifle through your mom’s things and find where she keeps her remover, partly because taking on any aspect of social femininity helps lessen the kick in the gut you feel when you see a pretty girl in a magazine or on the television or right in front of you, and partly because it was _Kanaya Maryam_ taking your hands in hers and gently painting color on your nails and blowing daintily on your fingers.

You become momentarily lost in the memory.

No, you’re paralyzed because you can’t decide which is worse: telling your mother you’re a girl while wearing _nail polish_ , or telling your mother you’re a girl while wearing _just_ nail polish.

Are you a failure as a girl or are you overdoing it? Pick one.

You need advice.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Dave.  
TG: asshole here checking in  
TG: are you pestering me again because youve come up with some better names for me  
TG: insults more befitting someone of your intellectual standing  
TG: insults of more than two syllables  
TG: i would help you out but really ive got nothing  
TG: except  
TG: takin a wild swing here  
TG: fucking asshole??  
TT: I’m more than happy to take my lumps for being ungrateful.  
TG: and snippy  
TT: But right now I need some advice.  
TT: Kanaya has persuaded me that I should tell my mother.  
TT: Tonight.  
TT: Now.  
TT: And honestly I agree. I want to do it anyway and if I analyze the situation rationally I don’t see my mother disowning me.  
TG: are you kidding shes probably filling a purple bindle with all your stuff right now  
TG: all the manliest most macho things you own just to rub it in  
TG: like  
TG: uh  
TG: um  
TG: do you have a motorbike  
TG: ok i cant commit to this  
TG: youre right youre going to be fine  
TG: whats the problem?  
TT: So I’m wearing nail polish.  
TG: sexy  
TT: Thanks.  
TT: My dilemma: if I go to her wearing just nail polish and tell her I’m a girl, I’m going to feel like a fake. A dilettante. A phony. She’ll think I’m not dedicated to actually transitioning. She might even think I’m trying to one-up her in the irony stakes and she’ll make me think she’s taking me seriously and I’ll wake up tomorrow morning to find a huge crossdressed wizard statue looming over my bed.  
TG: no i keep telling you she isnt trying to prove anything with all that wizard shit  
TG: she just likes them  
TG: and before you say it i know what the other side of this is  
TG: if you dress up  
TG: raid that precious pile of clothes in the bag in the bottom of your closet  
TG: the ones you got online and hid and have never worn  
TG: youre worried youll look like a fool  
TG: ive been there girl  
TG: i shit myself inside out over what people would think  
TG: i took some really fuckawful binding advice from some asswipe online  
TG: and then last minute decision  
TG: to go just the way i was that day  
TG: do my thing  
TG: it was the right decision  
TT: Just go, as I am, right now?  
TT: Rip off the bandage?  
TG: yeah dont overthink it  
TG: the whole point of this is that you get to be yourself at last  
TG: so go  
TG: give her the speech  
TG: dont worry about what youre wearing  
TG: as long as youre wearing something  
TT: OK.  
TT: Here I go.  
TT: Oh, how did you know about the bag of clothes in my closet?  
TG: haha lucky guess

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

#

You’re out of your room and down the stairs before you can change your mind. There’s your mother, on the couch with her laptop on her knees. You get a glimpse of what might be orange text before she closes the lid.

“Mom, I...” you say and then that’s all you can say because she’s staring at your hands and grinning.

“I like your nails, sweetie,” she says.

“Uh,” you manage.

And then she’s all serious. God, she’s completely sober. Was she waiting for you? “If there’s anything you need to tell me, anything at _all_ ,” she says, “you can tell me. I won’t judge. I won’t hurt you. I won’t rush you into anything. I just want to know.”

You take a step forward, towards her, then another. Say something, Lalonde!

“Mom, I’m... I want to be... I...”

“Slow down!” she says. “Take your time. There’s just us here. I got nowhere I need to be.”

You look at the floor.

“I’m a girl,” you whisper.

And your mom’s up on her feet and you’re in her arms and she’s squeezing you tight.

“I know,” she says.

You return the hug and the two of you are silent for almost a full minute, holding each other. You’re doing your best to assemble your thoughts in a head full of shout poles and you notice your mother is trembling.

When finally you pull away from her there are tears on her face.

“Oh sweetie, I’m so glad you figured it out! I knew something was up with you but I didn’t know how to help! I wanted to but I’ve never been very good at, you know, reaching out.”

You can’t let her say this. “Mom, it takes two. I’ve just been... closed off. While I worked on this. I’m sorry.”

She looks shocked. “No, Rosie, no! You’ve got nothing to be sorry for! Let’s just... let’s be glad we got here and now we can go the rest of the way together.” Then she smiles. “I’m assuming you want to go all the way?”

“Yes! I think so.” Wait. “Wait, how do you know my name? Did you read my diary?”

Smug. “Don’t need to read your diary. I’ve got sources.” She sighs. “Sexy and unavailable sources.”

“Ew.”

“Permit your mother her fantasies, Rosie dear. Is it OK if I call you Rosie? Or do you prefer Rose?”

You sigh, happily.

“From you, mom, I’ll take Rosie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has apparently become a thing that I am doing! It's also a coincidence that I wrote a trans!Rose-comes-out-to-everyone fic during Coming Out Week, but I'm going to pretend it was intentional.


	3. Chapter 3

Your name is now ROSE. As was previously mentioned you are a TRANS GIRL, which is a thing that people are when they are assigned male at birth but DISAGREE WITH THIS ASSIGNMENT. And for good reason, too, because as long as you can remember you’ve felt DIFFERENT and ISOLATED and this may or may not have led you to pursue a number of OBSCURE INTERESTS best enjoyed ALONE. Recently, however, you have realized many things about yourself and have begun to reach out to FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS. As a result of this you are feeling MORE GREGARIOUS than ever before but EVEN MORE DYSPHORIC at the thought of appearing to be a TEENAGE BOY to anyone who doesn’t know the real you.

It is time to do something about it.

#

It’s eight in the morning and you’re curiously antsy. Usually at this point if you had the slightest say in it you’d be in bed still, covers over your head, trying to experience the maximum amount of night and the minimum amount of day, but lately you’ve been feeling energized.

You’re well aware you may not be able to keep up this level of enthusiasm forever, so you’re researching, researching, researching. All the tasks you’d been avoiding, things you’d put off even reading about lest they appear too daunting to contemplate, are scribbled on your notepad, and your laptop hard drive is filling up with saved YouTube videos: voice lessons, makeup tips, general advice.

You’ve got a Pesterchum window open in the corner of your screen and you’re hassling Dave.

TG: i dont see why youre coming to me with this i dont give a shit about makeup  
TG: when i turned 13 my bro gave me a present  
TG: a big makeup box  
TG: it was empty except for a hundred dollar bill and a note that said “Little sis, I don’t know anything about this stuff. If you’re into it, go buy some makeup. Otherwise, go nuts.”  
TG: so i got video games  
TG: come to think of it  
TG: where did he get the empty makeup box  
TG: no  
TG: no im not going there  
TT: I’m not asking for tips on how best to accentuate my cheekbones.  
TT: I’m merely looking for someone to validate my thinking, which is as follows:  
TT: (1) I strongly believe that women should not have to wear makeup in order to feel attractive and be successful.  
TT: (2)(a) Women who don’t buy into the coercive beauty standard can face discrimination based on their looks compared to women who do, but,  
TT: (2)(b) It’s OK for individual women to love makeup and want to look pretty providing they do not consciously exert hegemonic pressure on other women to love makeup and look pretty.  
TT: (3)(a) I rather want to look pretty and I think I might end up loving makeup.  
TT: (3)(b) I have some unpleasant hair growth on my chin and upper lip that I’m going to have to hide. Therefore,  
TT: (4) It’s OK for me to buy lots of makeup and get really good at applying it.  
TG: whatever  
TG: cant you just put on lipstick and make kissy faces in the mirror  
TT: Dave, please. If I were capable of acknowledging a desire to be attractive without placing it within the greater sociological context of the patriarchal restrictions on women’s appearance and behavior, don’t you think I would? While it’d be lovely to believe that having finally come out to myself and my mother I would have an easier time facing my other neuroses, I think it better to be realistic: I am a chronic over-thinker.  
TG: ok were going to play a game  
TG: i got it from a friend who shall remain nameless  
TG: but its egbert  
TG: its called the butt game  
TG: what you do is you write down the stuff you want  
TG: stuff you want to get  
TG: stuff you want to be  
TG: stuff you want to do  
TG: whatever  
TG: you put each one down in a complete sentence on its own line and include all your thoughts about the implications and if you really must the sociological context  
TG: then after youve written everything down  
TG: you go through and cross out everything that comes after a but  
TG: or anything that looks at all like a but  
TG: so in your case shit like however and therefore  
TG: and hell just consider the entire phrase the greater sociological context a big fuckin but  
TG: every line  
TG: everything you want  
TG: cross out the but  
TG: and bam  
TG: youve got your to do list  
TT: So you start with a neurotic list of reasons as to why you shouldn’t do the things you want to do, and you end up with an action plan?  
TT: That’s quite clever.  
TT: And this was John’s idea?  
TG: i left out the part where you draw a little farty butt next to everything you cross out  
TG: i figured its you  
TG: you dont need a cartoon ass to motivate you  
TG: now go be a woman  
TG: ive got places to be  
TT: No you don’t.  
TG: ok fine i was in the middle of drawing a comic  
TG: rose lalonde youre the anti muse  
TG: and i can see youre typing something right now  
TG: probably some of your standard snarky horseshit  
TG: so im cutting you off before you can hit return  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

#

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

TG: ahem  
TG: young miss maryam  
TG: ugh stuff it im awful at this responsible adult crap  
TG: kanaya  
TG: hey  
TG: max apologies for pestering you this early in the morning  
TG: but  
TG: i need a favor  
GA: It Seems I Am Handing Out A Lot Of Favors To Lalondes Recently  
GA: Have You And Your Family Been Suffering Some Sort Of Bitter Favor Famine  
GA: A Scarcity Of Friendly Troll Vampires To Attend To Your Needs  
GA: Ugh  
GA: I Do Not Mean To Be Rude  
GA: It Is As You Say Very Early And My Flask Is Empty  
GA: Please Do Not Mistake Surliness For Unwillingness  
GA: I Was Up Late Working On A Project For Rose  
GA: And While Normally I Would Consider My Work More Than Adequate  
GA: I Have Never Designed For A Special Occasion Before  
GA: I Am Feeling The Pressure  
GA: Much Dismay Fluid Has Been Spilled  
GA: So  
GA: Please Continue  
TG: hey i dont wanna add to ur burdens  
TG: its only a lil favor  
TG: that i think ur already doin anyway  
TG: and hey mayb i can do somethng for you??  
TG: picture me wagglin my eyebrows   
GA: Are You Going To Wonk Again  
TG: im buildin up to it  
TG: u dont just slip in a wonk out of nowhere  
TG: gotta establish the right ambience  
TG: if ur in a hurry cause you spotted ur daughter’s friend comin out of your house and u want to convey “i like + approve of you bein friends with my kid”  
TG: and you just wonk  
TG: you confuse the issue  
TG: sorry about that btw  
GA: Its Okay  
GA: I Discussed The Wonk With Rose And We Came To The Conclusion That You Were Unlikely To Be Attempting A Woo In Any Quadrant  
TG: haha ur cute but not my type  
TG: i apparently like inaccessible gay men w/ stupid sunglasses and RLY nice arms  
TG: buuuuuuut  
TG: im not here to talk about my tragic love life  
TG: *u breathe a sigh of relief*  
GA: You Are A Very Perceptive Woman  
GA: You Wished To Ask A Favor I Believe  
GA: And If Its Not Too Much Trouble It Would Be Helpful If You Could Ask It Quickly  
GA: I Need To Find A Friend Of Mine And Ask An Uncomfortable Imposition Of My Own  
GA: Preferably Before Lunch Time  
TG: okay  
TG: fast talkin then  
TG: me and rosie have not been close for a while  
TG: shes been goin through some stuff that i havent known how 2 help with  
TG: and im not sure i know how now???  
TG: like i can be supportive and if she needs any1 shouted at on her behalf im all over that  
TG: but day2day stuff  
TG: i will do my best  
TG: but its hard and im still not sure i ttly understand  
GA: Are You Asking Me To Be Roses Friend  
GA: To Offer The Daily Support That You Cannot  
TG: ...  
TG: yeah??  
GA: Please Do Not Say A Word Of This To Rose As I Am Still Pushing These Thoughts Around My Sponge Somewhat  
GA: I Have Always Been Very Fond Of Your Daughter  
GA: Even When She Appeared To Be A Quiet And Lonely Boy  
GA: I Sought Her Out Specifically At Social Events  
GA: But Although We Spoke Many Times I Was Not Successful At Drawing Her Out Of Herself  
GA: And I Came To The Conclusion We Probably Would Not Be Friends  
GA: That She Was A Puzzle I Could Not Find All The Pieces To  
GA: However  
GA: When She Told Me She Is A Girl She Began To Make Sense To Me  
GA: She Is Not A Puzzle At All And Never Was  
GA: I Simply Did Not Know How To Look At Her Properly  
GA: No One Knew  
GA: Not Even Her  
GA: Seeing Her Clearly For The First Time I Realized Already She Is More Dear To Me Than I Was Prepared For  
GA: I Am A Little Shaken If I Am Honest  
GA: I Was Not Prepared To Have This Kind Of Experience Again Just Yet  
GA: The Short Version Of All This Is  
GA: I Will Stay Close To Rose  
GA: Help Her If I Can And Console Her If I Cannot  
GA: I Am Not Going Anywhere  
TG: girl u should see the size of the smile on my face rn  
TG: ur the sweetest  
TG: i dont know how i got so lucky to have someone like you friends with my rosie  
TG: im quite overcome :o  
GA: Well Im Glad  
GA: But Please Keep This To Yourself For Now  
TG: u mean keep quiet about that whole mess of confusion up there??  
TG: sweetie of course i will  
TG: now i said i could do somethin for u and here it is  
TG: if u want it  
TG: ur a troll vampire so that means you need troll blood to live?  
GA: Yes  
GA: I Can Survive On A Little A Week If I Supplement My Diet With Normal Food  
GA: But Once Per Day Is Best  
GA: Alas My Donor Is An Irritable Little Troll Who Persists In Referring To Our Weekly Hygienic And Humane Bloodletting Sessions As CONSTANT BRUSHES WITH DEATH AT THE MANICURED CLAWS OF A HEMOCIDAL MANIAC And Frequently Makes Distracting References To His Bulge  
GA: For All That He Is In Human Terms My Best Friend I Fear His Patience Is Wearing Thin  
TG: what if i told you  
TG: i could supply all the flasks of troll blood u could ever need?  
GA: From Live Donors  
GA: I Hope This Is Not The Bit Where I Find Out My Friends Mother Is A Serial Killer  
TG: nooooo  
TG: i can make it  
TG: with.....  
TG: ~*~the majyyks~*~  
TG: otherwise known as the cloning lab i have in the back yard  
TG: can have batch no 1 ready to go in a day or so  
GA: That  
GA: Would Be Very Helpful Indeed  
GA: It Would Be Nice No Longer To Have To Rely On Karkat For Sustenance  
GA: It Will Probably Take Him Only A Few Months To Stop Holding Up Crosses And Root Vegetables Whenever I Approach Him  
TG: i thought that was human vampires??  
GA: It Is But He Watches A Lot Of Movies  
GA: He Likes Hammer Horror  
GA: It Makes Him Wistful For Some Reason  
GA: On That Note I Should Go  
GA: Give Him The Good News  
GA: Thank You  
TG: hey  
TG: thank YOU  
TG: ima sleep ez tonight  
TG: drive safe  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

#

tentacleTherapist [TT] opened memo on board R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN.

TT: I have an announcement to make.  
TT: Or rather, I will have an announcement. I know many of you will be attending the interspecies bonfire and barbecue on the green this Sunday.  
TT: I will be putting in a short appearance. I would like to gather as many of you as possible, near the parking lot, at around 8:30pm.  
TT: Thank you.  
EB: hi!  
EB: what’s the announcement? can’t you give us a clue?  
EB: hello??  
EB: aw, he’s gone.  
GA: I Will Be Attending With Tt  
GA: Likely Equally Briefly  
GA: I Will Not Tolerate Rudeness  
GA: On An Unrelated Note I Would Like To Remind Everyone Of The Time Eridan Attacked Me With His Ludicrous Foam Wand  
GA: And Invite You To Remember What Happened To Him Afterwards  
GA: Be On Your Best Behavior  
GG: woah kanaya  
GG: harsh!!!  
GG: do YOU know whats going on?  
EB: aaaaaaaand she’s gone too!  
CG: I WOULDN’T BOTHER ASKING HER ANYTHING.  
CG: SHE’S BEEN CAGEY AS FUCK LATELY. ALL I KNOW IS SHE’S BEEN OVER AT THAT LALONDE KID’S HIVE EVERY OTHER NIGHT THIS WEEK. WHEN I ASK ABOUT IT ALL I GET IS Please Pay Attention To The Task At Hand AND AS SOON AS SHE’S FINISHED STEALING ALL MY BLOOD SHE’S CONVENIENTLY FORGOTTEN WHAT I ASKED.  
GC: POOR K4RK4T  
GC: NO LONG3R 4 TROLL  
GC: M3R3LY 4 STOR4G3 F4C1L1TY FOR H1S D3L1C1OUS C4NDY BLOOD >:]  
CG: DON’T YOU START.  
GC: W41T WHY D1D K4N4Y4 C4LL H1M BY H1S P3ST3RCHUM N4M3?  
AG: W8, Maryam’s 8een over at Lalonde’s? What does she see in th8t kid?  
CG: DON’T TELL ME YOU’RE JEALOUS. YOU MESSED UP. CHASING AFTER TAVROS WHILE SHE WAS CHASING YOU. IT WAS LIKE A BENNY HILL SKETCH, IT WAS RIDICULOUS.  
CG: WHO 1S B3NNY H1LL?  
EB: a hilarious british comedian. he’s a legend!  
CG: A TERRIBLE BRITISH COMEDIAN. HE’S DEAD.  
AG: What’s to 8e jealous of? Maryam’s into girls, remem8er?  
CG: OH COME ON. OUT OF ALL OF US, ONLY YOU COULD MANAGE TO BE TERRIBLE ENOUGH TO PERMANENTLY CHANGE SOMEONE’S ROMANTIC PREFERENCE.  
CG: OKAY, YOU AND ERIDAN.  
CA: hey leavve me outta this  
CA: the personal romantic failins a certain tasteless spidertrolls havve nothin to do wwith me  
AG: You wish!!!!!!!!  
GC: TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON H4S DR1FT3D FROM 1TS OR1G1N4L TOP1C!  
GC: WH1CH 1S TH3 QU3ST1ON OF WH4T 1S GO1NG ON TH1S SUND4Y  
CC: W)(ats going on t)(is Sunday?  
CG: LALONDE HAS SOME SORT OF ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE. JEGUS, CAN’T YOU SCROLL UP?  
CA: wwhat kind a announcement  
GG: we don’t know!!  
CC: )(as anyone asked Kanaya? S)(e )(as s)(ore been spending a lot of time at )(is plaice lately.  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
CA: im messagin kan noww  
CA: wwoww shes fuckin blocked me  
CG: ARE YOU REALLY SURPRISED SHE FUCKING BLOCKED YOU AFTER WHAT YOU DID?  
AG: And after what you did AFTER what you did????????  
CA: yeah wwell that apology song wwas straight from my aquatic vvascular system  
CA: its not my fault she hates music  
GG: i think she likes music eridan i just dont think she likes it at 3am!  
AT: oK, wOW, eVERYONE’S ONLINE,  
AG: Taaaaaaaavros!  
AT: aH, oK, bYE,  
AG: Ugh!!!!!!!!  
CG: THIS IS GETTING US NOWHERE.  
GC: 1 QU1T3 4GR33!  
GC: 1 F1ND YOU 4LL 1N CONT3MPT!  
GC: *H3R TYR4NNY 3X3RC1S3S H3R R1GHT TO CULL UNPRODUCT1V3 COUNS3LORS ON TH3 COURTBLOCK FLOOR!*  


GC banned CC from responding to memo  
GC banned AG from responding to memo  
GC banned GG from responding to memo  
GC banned EB from responding to memo  
GC banned TT from responding to memo  
GC banned GA from responding to memo  
GC banned CA from responding to memo

CG: IMBECILES.  
GC: 1 KNOW!

GC banned CG from responding to memo  
GC banned herself from responding to memo

AT: uH, hEY, yOU DID’T BAN ME,  
AT: i THINK I’LL TRY, nOT TO TAKE THAT PERSONALLY,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to [arjache](http://archiveofourown.org/users/arjache) for betaing and spotting all my Britishisms. And to my girlfriend for spotting a typo. All remaining errors are mine.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took a while! Getting the flu is rubbish.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

TT: Hello Kanaya.  
GA: Good Afternoon Rose  
GA: I Tried To Contact You This Morning But After About Twenty Minutes I Assumed You Were Either Asleep Or Having A Really Long Shower  
TT: Yes, I was asleep. A flurry of activity early on ended with me posting the memo that, aha, I see you saw, which was followed by a return to the safety of my blankets to shake with fear for a half hour or so. I topped it off with a good healthy cry and a lengthy diary entry that can adequately be summarized with a single loud and very rude word, then had a turbulent nap overflowing with dreams about faceless figures in multi-colored hoodies and strange booty shorts all laughing at me.  
TT: I think you can see I had the perfect morning.  
TT: I saw your messages when I woke up a few minutes ago, rested and several hundred times calmer, and I would like to thank you for being so sweet. The last one, in particular, made me rather emotional.  
TT: I’m not used to people thinking of me that way.  
TT: Or perhaps I’m not used to seeing myself as someone people can think about that way.  
TT: Hmm.  
TT: All this time, have I been misinterpreting genuine expressions of good will purely because I didn’t consider myself worthy of them? Have I missed out on other friendships because of my tendency to believe the worst of every social interaction?  
TT: If an inevitable part of this transition is going to be the reexamining of my every failed attempt to connect with people and thus the identification of further personality flaws previously unknown to me then I think I will be deleting every archived Pesterlog and making a sincere attempt to do similar with my memory, possibly through the application of alcohol and repeated blows to the temple.  
TT: I apologize. I appear to have woken in an introspective mood.  
GA: A Singular Event I Am Sure  
TT: I can agree this is quite the occasion.  
TT: Rose Lalonde is over-thinking things! The Kingdom must be informed. Alert the pages! Summon the knights! This rare, nay unprecedented day will forever be a festival, a lavishly celebrated anniversary.  
GA: I Am Opening The Calendar Application On My Phone And Making A Note Of The Date  
GA: One Sweep Hence I Will Inform You The Momentous Day Has Come Again At Last And We Shall Have Hoofbeast Pie And Mulled Pressed Grape Juice  
GA: There Should Probably Be Special Festival Attire  
GA: Fortunately I Have Quite A While To Design Some  
GA: I Think We Can Both Agree You Are Unlikely Similarly To Fog Your Consider Sponge In The Mean Time  
TT: Yes, nothing but clean thoughts and healthy minds from here on out.  
GA: Incidentally  
GA: Not To Interrupt The Parade We Are Giving Your Assumed Shortcomings  
GA: Which I Would Venture To Suggest Are More Common Than You Think And Merely Exacerbated In You By Chronically Low Self Esteem And Dysphoria  
TT: “Dysphoria?” You’ve been Googling.  
GA: Unfortunately My Attempts At Googling Helpful Information Have Turned Up A Lot Of Contradictory Things  
GA: Also A Lot Of Other Things  
GA: So If And When I Use The Wrong Word Or Otherwise Embarrass Myself I Would Like To Apologize For It Here And Now  
GA: Throw Myself On The Mercy Of The Throne That Presumably Lies At The Center Of Your Aforementioned Kingdom  
GA: And Hope For Leniency While I Prostrate Myself On The Royal Floor Coverings  
TT: Don’t worry.  
TT: I have the King’s ear. In many ways, I’m the power behind the throne. I’ll ensure you get a light sentence. Say, two hours in the stocks being pelted with balled-up advocacy pamphlets from twenty years ago?  
GA: You Are Most Kind  
TT: If you would allow me to recycle a phrase:  
TT: There is nothing you could say to me that would make me think less of you.  
GA: I Am  
GA: Pleased To Hear It  
GA: Now  
GA: I Have Finished Your Dress  
TT: Oh my.  
TT: I feel so terribly guilty now.  
TT: These last few days when I’ve leaning on you for support pretty much constantly you’ve been spending your spare time making me something beautiful.  
TT: I owe you so much already.  
TT: I would not blame you if you wanted to back away gracefully from me lest my dependence become a burden to you. I’m offering you this opportunity right now.  
GA: Rose  
GA: What I Ask Of You In Return Is That You Not Retreat From Me  
GA: Believe In My Sincerity And In My Goodwill  
GA: I Choose To Get To Know The Real You  
GA: The Person You Have Been Hiding  
GA: The Person Who Was Almost Smothered  
GA: I Also Ask That You Not Say Anything Like That Again Because Honestly That Was A Little Hurtful  
GA: I Am Here With An Open Blood Pusher And That Means I Am Risking Being Hurt Again  
TT: Again?  
GA: I Will Tell You About The First Time  
GA: Another Day  
TT: I apologize.  
TT: The kingdom is dissolved. All punishments erased and all prisoners released from the dungeons.  
TT: No further judgments will be issued henceforth.  
GA: Do Not Make A Promise You Cannot Keep  
GA: You Will I Am Sure Be Too Hard On Yourself Again And Again  
GA: Just Try To Mitigate It  
GA: Imagine If I Were Saying Such Things About Myself  
GA: You Would Wish To Comfort Me And Tell Me Good Things Instead Am I Correct  
TT: Yes.  
TT: Yes, absolutely.  
GA: Then Help Yourself The Way You Would Help Me  
GA: Be Kind To Yourself Rose  
TT: ...  
TT: I will.  
TT: Thank you.  
GA: What Time Should I Come Over With The Dress  
TT: Any time from now. It’ll take you half an hour to get here, which is more than enough time for me to prepare.  
TT: Oh, my mother has left a large box on the kitchen table for you.  
TT: There is a sticky note attached.  
TT: It says, “Wonk???!!!”  
TT: I believe I transcribed the punctuation accurately.  
GA: That Is Very Kind Of Her  
GA: I Should Get Ready  
GA: I Will See You Soon  
TT: I’ll put a pot of coffee on.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

GA: Oh My God  
GA: I Need A Moment  


#

You close your laptop and push the computer chair away from your desk, excited. One day you might get used to the idea of Kanaya Maryam just casually in your home, in your room, but the butterflies in your stomach tell you today is not that day.

You washed your hair last night but the daymares have left you uncomfortable and sticky so you decide to take a shower. In the bathroom down the hall you disrobe with your eyes firmly on the floor, a recent habit. Up until a few months ago you weren’t really aware of your body in any particular way: you could stand naked in the full-length bathroom mirror and it was as if you couldn’t see yourself properly; you were a floating consciousness that just happened to be assigned this particular flesh unit, and you had no real relationship with it or interest in its upkeep beyond ensuring that it didn’t injure itself or get dirty. You assumed this was how most people felt.

Since you realized you were a girl, however, your body has taken on a physicality and immediacy it never possessed before. Its maleness has become revolting and, acutely aware of every detail and flaw, every artifact of boyhood, you cannot bear to look at it. You’ve taken to wearing a long-sleeved shirt even on hot days so you don’t have to see your forearms.

The summer spent hiding away in your home changed you. Talking with other trans teens online and presenting yourself as a girl in chat rooms helped you break free from the male identity imposed upon you, and as long as you kept the laptop screen angled such that you never saw your reflected face you could make friends and have fun all day, safe from the person you became away from the computer.

But when you are with Kanaya you have to fight against the instinct to curl up and hide or run away, because there she is, right with you, _seeing you_ in this gross thing you have to inhabit. You force yourself to remember that the person you are online, the person _Kanaya_ speaks to online, is you, and she doesn’t see the malformed mess you see when you look, really look at yourself.

She sees Rose.

You wonder if there is a second wave coming, another new way of understanding yourself. Being Rose online – for all that you did not have a name at the time – positioned you as a girl, as someone you could be, someone you could understand, someone you could grow into, because the people you were with on the web understood you and knew you only as her.

Perhaps being Rose with Kanaya could help you grow into your body in the same way. You’re aware that even with hormone therapy – and, god, you’re going to have to deal with doctors soon, you remember – your relationship with your body is going to have to go through some serious changes if you’re going to come out of this as a person you enjoy being. Maybe simply being _seen_ by Kanaya will help you along.

You realize you’ve been staring at your naked self in the bathroom mirror for several minutes now.

Oops.

Time to get ready.

#

When she first came over, Kanaya started out on your computer chair and you sat on the side of your bed. The next few visits the chair moved closer. 

Tonight, you’re both sat on the floor on large squashy cushions, cross-legged, a box between you. 

“Before I reveal my work,” Kanaya’s saying, hands elegantly clasped and resting on the box, “I would like to extract a promise from you.”

“I understand,” you say, enjoying the sight of her listening to you just as much as you enjoyed the light dancing across her lips when she spoke. “Should I prepare the standard binding document and the barbed quill? If you’d prefer to sign in the blood of others, well, we have a case of fresh troll right here. I’m sure the demons won’t guess that it’s synthesized; my mother is an excellent cook.”

She smiles. And somehow it really does mean more, talking to her in person, radiant proof that she is engaged in the conversation and not merely going through the motions for the sake of... for the sake of what? You’ve never known, never had any clear reason why anyone would do such a thing, but that hasn’t stopped your subconscious from insisting everything prior to the ellipsis is the angelic truth no matter that it can’t complete the thesis.

Here she is, proving wrong with every smile the lies you whisper to yourself. 

“I am willing to bypass the infernal pact stage completely and move on to the unveiling if you make me one simple promise:” she says. 

“Wear one of them,” she says. 

“Tonight,” she says. 

“I trust your craft—” you begin but she waves her hand and you resume your rapt silence. 

“As do I,” she says. “They are beautiful, both of them. And you deserve a little beauty.”

“I suppose I do,” you manage, astonished it didn’t come out as a squeak because Kanaya’s leaning forward over the box, bringing you both closer to each other, and you can’t help but notice when she pauses between words she carries a slight worry in her lower lip such that one fang firmly compresses the skin and the other gently kisses it.

Wait a moment. 

“You made two?”

She nods. “I could not decide whether to clothe you in black or in bright colors so I chose both. Let me show you.”

She opens the box between you and carefully lifts out first a bundle wrapped in tissue paper that turns out to be something in light orange. She stands and lays it gently on your bed, then returns for something heavier and very black.

“Kanaya, I... You went to so much trouble!”

“Really, it is my own fault,” she says. “I got carried away. I had your measurements and some photographs and I could not help but picture you in a number of fashions. I had a difficult time choosing two designs from the dozen I sketched.”

“Here,” she says. “Stand.”

You do so and she maneuvers you so that you’re in front of your mirror. You’re lost enough in the moment that you don’t see your own reflection: your eyes follow Kanaya’s image as she steps backwards to the bed and unravels the black fabric, which seems to shimmer and shine as it moves. And then she’s back with you, a hand on each shoulder, holding the dress up to your body and watching your face very carefully.

Apparently your reaction pleases her because you are rewarded with a smile that disarms you so completely that you start babbling.

“Oh, Kanaya, it’s absolutely beautiful! However did you manage such a lustrous effect? The way it falls from shoulder to navel is so utterly gorgeous it makes me want to melt. I’ve seen your work before and I knew you were very very good but I had no I idea you were _amazing!_ ”

She lets the dress drop and returns it to the bed and you’re a little disappointed to see it go.

“I was fond of the black one at the design stage and even more so once I made it, but I knew even as I started that I was not filling your requirements. So I made it for me. That is, you will wear it, some time when it is suitable, but seeing it against you and witnessing your reaction was my reward. I am well aware that it is not suited for a light-hearted get-together with friends.”

“Honestly, I’d wear that dress to go grocery shopping, just to ensure it gets worn,” you say.

“I am sure we can select a more appropriate venue for it to make its debut. Here, come away from the mirror.”

You do so, and she continues, handing you the light orange bundle as she does so.

“I made you a sun dress!” she says with obvious delight. “It is simple and a bit playful and, I think, very you. And, bearing in mind the time of year, there are also leggings. This is the dress I would like you to try on. I will step outside and give you some privacy.”

#

You are alone and almost naked, the orange dress laid in front of you. For all that you have a contraband bag of clothes hidden in the back of your wardrobe just as Dave guessed, you never summoned the courage to try any of them on in case you looked like an idiot.

Worse: you were terrified you’d look like a boy in a dress, and the thought of looking that way now, in front of Kanaya, is making you feel sick. You try to remember that she is, for some reason, not only friends with you but willing to extend to you the benefit of the doubt beyond your most optimistic expectations. She will not judge you for not looking right.

Doesn’t stop you judging yourself, though.

Ugh. Enough of this. Wear the damn dress.

You’re in your underwear which includes a simple white bra you put on in the hope that it might give you a suggestion of a chest but which mostly, you think, makes you look like you’re wearing an empty bra. You consider stuffing it but decide against and turn to the leggings.

They’re a pale orange color with some lovely detail in the stitching and a subtle pattern to the fabric and they fit you, as you suppose you should have expected, perfectly, sitting at the base of your calves and appearing to give your legs a little shape.

“Okay,” you say. “Now, the dress. Easy enough. Just be calm.”

Be calm, you repeat in your head. Breathe and be calm, Rose Lalonde. 

The dress goes on so easily and sits so gently on your shoulders it’s hard to believe you’re wearing anything at all. The material almost glides over your skin. Forgetting yourself, you turn to look at yourself in the mirror.

You see a dress so elegant and simple it’s actually a little astonishing, and it’s being worn by someone who is clearly a boy.

Your stomach lurches.

You control yourself. Kanaya worked so hard on these clothes and with such generosity that you simply can’t break down on her now. If you’re going to transition you’re going to have to do a lot of hard things in the future so now is the time to get _good_ at self-control.

“It’s amazing, Kanaya!” you call, and into the room she comes, to stand by you and look at your reflection, as if she wants to see what you see, see through your eyes.

“You are pleased with it?” she says and you nod. But something in your face must have betrayed you because she looks dismayed. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong,” you say, and this time the sad smile you give her is genuine. “It’s completely and utterly wonderful. You have gone beyond what I asked, what anyone could have asked. You are, simply, brilliant.”

“Then what is–?” she says but you cut her off.

“The dress is beautiful. I am not.”

To your astonishment her response is to grin, widely. She grips your bare shoulder and gives it a little squeeze.

“I do not agree with your assessment,” she says, “but I know it will be difficult to change your mind.” She pulls you away from the mirror. “But that does not mean I cannot try.”

#

What is it about this woman that causes you to forget yourself so completely around her? It’s so easy, sitting and talking with her, away from any mirrors and speaking softly so a voice that dropped two summers ago doesn’t sound deep in your head, to believe everything’s going to be okay, everything already _is_ okay, nothing could ever be wrong.

It’s even easier to believe it when she’s inches away, painting your face.

“I do not have foundation in your color, obviously,” she’d said, making a show of comparing her gray skin with yours, forearm against forearm, “but I can change the contours of your face with only a few brush strokes.”

“Close your eyes,” she says, and you comply. “You have the most unusual eye color. I am going to accentuate it.”

“Open your eyes and look down and whatever you do, do not move.”

“Open your mouth. No, less wide. There we go.”

Throughout all of this she’s been so close you can feel her breath, so close you couldn’t look away if you wanted to, and you can’t help noticing that the quirks of her features are never so clear as when she is preoccupied: the slight bump in her nose, only visible when she twitches her mouth; the creases under her eyes, accentuated when she concentrates; the flex of her jaw as she mulls which color to use where. As she paints your lips with precision and care and finishes with a little satisfied, “hmmph,” you wonder who it was who broke her heart, you wonder how anyone could possibly bear to hurt someone such as this, someone so caring, generous, imaginative, funny, and beautiful; you realize you’ve fallen deeply in love with Kanaya Maryam.

“Almost finished,” she says, softly. You meet her eyes and for a moment you imagine it’s as hard for her to look away as it is for you. Then she’s away in her bag again, returns with a brush, and gets to work on your hair.

“We cannot force the hair on your head to grow, but there is enough of it that if I brush it carefully I can make it look more feminine.”

You nod.

“You know,” she says absently, “we have been spending a lot of time together recently and I must say I think this look is rather good on you. There. Done!”

Breathe and be calm, you think.

Breathe.

Deeply, carefully.

And be calm.

You rise and slowly walk to the mirror, and _there she is_.

A teen girl with short hair, dark lips and eyes, and simple but beautiful clothes. You smile, and the girl in the mirror smiles with you.

Rose Lalonde, say hi to Rose Lalonde.

“What do you think?” Kanaya asks, and with the waver in her voice you realize she’s nervous.

“Thank you,” you say. “This is... Thank you.”

This is someone you can be. Someone you can aspire to become. Someone to remember when the day ends and the makeup comes off and the dress is put away. This is _you_.

Kanaya comes and stands behind you, looks over your shoulder, looking at your reflection again.

“I’m not sure I have the words to describe what this means to me,” you say. “But I think you just changed my life.”

Still looking at your reflection, you reach half-instinctively for her hand. She takes it and your fingers close together.

“Thank you,” you say again. She squeezes your hand in hers.

“I think I can say with certainty: it was my pleasure.”

“Kanaya, are you _glowing?_ ”

“Just a little.”

“It’s beautiful!”

“It is,” she says, scowling a little, “a rainbow drinker thing.”

“What does it mean?” you ask. “Why does it happen?”

A deep breath, and Kanaya smiles.

“Sometimes it just happens.”


	5. Chapter 5

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

GA: Karkat  
GA: I Am Bewildered And Apprehensive And I Require Advice  
GA: As Such I Am Seeking The Counsel Of A Wise And Noble Scholar Of The Romantic Arts  
GA: And As You Have Watched More Romance Movies Troll And Human Than Possibly Anyone Who Has Ever Existed I Am Hopeful You May Be Able To Help Me Route Around My Deficiencies In This Area  
GA: Or Whatever You Would Call The Almost Heroic Level Of Stupidity I Exhibited While Convinced Vriska Serket Was A Viable Red Prospect  
GA: But First I Must Know  
GA: Can You Keep A Secret  
CG: OF COURS3 1 C4N K33P 4 S3CR3T!  
CG: MY 4DOR4BL3 L1TTL3 TH1NKBON3 1S P4CK3D W1TH SC4ND4LOUS S3CR3TS  
CG: 34CH MOR3 D3L1C1OUSLY D3L1C4T3 TH4N TH3 L4ST  
GA: Wow Terezi What The Hell  
GA: Why Are You On Karkats Account  
GC: H3 1S 1N TH3 4BLUT1ON TR4P  
GA: Do You Do This Often  
GA: Pretend To Be Karkat I Mean  
GA: And Intercept The Private Confessions Of His Friends  
GC: Y3S!  
GA: I Cant Imagine It Ever Works  
GA: I Mean You Are Apparently Unable To Rein In Your Quirk  
GA: A Troll Would Have To Be Spectacularly Unobservant To Fall Into Your Trap  
GC: D1D YOU KNOW TH4T 3R1D4N H4S 4 R3CURR1NG D4YM4R3 1N WH1CH H3 4TT3NDS 4 HUM4N SCHOOL FOR M4G1C4L CH1LDR3N  
GC: 4ND H3 1S SORT3D 1NTO HUFFL3PUFF?  
GA: Yes  
GA: He Tells Everyone That  
GA: He Says He Has The Natural Bravery And Quick Wit Of The Archetypal Gryffindor  
GA: But His Daymare Is Unrealistic  
GA: Hufflepuffs Are Loyal  
GA: Hufflepuffs Seldom Proclaim All Land Dwellers To Be Low Caste Scum Who Must Be Hunted Down And Extinguished  
GA: I Have Read The Books Twice  
GA: I Would Have Noticed  
GA: Anyway Getting Secrets Out Of Eridan Is Not Difficult  
GA: No Offense To Your Legislacerator Skills  
GA: In The Absence Of Karkat And With The Revelation That His Private Communications May Be Intercepted At Any Time By Mischievous Teal Bloods I Am Going To Look Elsewhere For Assistance With My Quadrants  
GA: When He Returns From Sanitizing His Shame Zones Please Let Him Know I Contacted Him  
GA: Even Though I Will No Longer Be Seeking His Advice I Suspect He Will Become Insufferably Smug At The Thought That Someone Would Consider Him A Romantic Authority  
GA: And Then Presumably You Can Take Advantage Of His Temporarily Bolstered Self Esteem To  
GA: As The Humans Say  
GA: Troll Him Into Next Week  
GC: 3XCUS3 M3 W3R3 NOT 1N TH4T K1ND OF R3L4T1ONSH1P 4NY MOR3  
GC: 4LTHOUGH JUST B3TW33N YOU 4ND M3 H3 H4S R3C3NTLY B33N D3V3LOP1NG 4 S3NS3 OF R1GHT3OUS JUST1C3 TH4T 1S SURPR1S1NGLY 1NTOX1C4T1NG!  
GC: H3 SP3NT TH3 WHOL3 OF Y3ST3RD4Y 3V3N1NG 3XPL41N1NG 4T GR34T L3NGTH TH3 T3RR1BL3 COND1T1ONS TH4T ST1LL PR3V31L ON 4LT3RN14 4ND TH3 N33D FOR US 34RTH TROLLS TO R3TURN 1N GR34T NUMB3RS W1TH 4 LOT OF SH4RP OBJ3CTS  
GC: 1T W4S 4S 1F H3 GR3W FROM 4 W1GGL3R 1NTO 4 SHORT BUT P4SS1ON4T3 F1R3BR4ND OV3R TH3 COURS3 OF H1S S1X HOUR R4NT  
GC: 1 M4Y 1ND33D B3 TROLL1NG H1M N3XT W33K 4FT3R 4LL >;]  
GA: I May Have Misunderstood The Meaning Of That Phrase  
GA: I Am Suddenly Very Uncomfortable

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

#

xlal@skaia.net opened a new post on scryerknitting.tumblr.com

When I realized I was a girl that revelation came with no useful instructions attached. No wider cultural narrative beyond, “congratulations, you are now a joke,” a subject on which I have already expanded bitterly and thus will spare my followers further vituperative commentary, except where it becomes relevant.

From film and television I understood that the first things a trans girl must be are beautiful and passable; she must look like a cis girl and she must look stunning. This will allow her to walk invisibly through the world until such time as she is struck down, whether for humor or pathos, because even though her appearance is carefully crafted as required, original sin stains her soul: she is, was, and always will be transgender, and thus happiness is neither possible nor deserved.

I learned two lessons from this:

(1) DO NOT BE TRANSGENDER. You must be someone else. Your feelings are not, cannot be real, because if they are then you have unmade yourself, and sooner or later the world will catch on, and end you.

(2) IF YOU MUST BE TRANSGENDER, BE ASHAMED. Do not aspire to be someone. Cast aside your ambition. Cast aside your friendships. You are a pathetic object and you must behave like one.

These are the lessons I learned from television and film. It was not enough that there were no successful trans women on screen, no role models. There were no *surviving* trans women on screen.

With much help from new friends met online I was able to unthink these lessons, to see that even though our stories are not told by anyone but ourselves we are out there, we are successful and surviving and happy and complete, and we are better off for knowing and understanding ourselves. I found myself a place in these stories and discarded as best I could the need to be beautiful and ashamed. I imagined myself ugly and obvious but still me, still a person proud to have escaped her cage.

But until yesterday I still believed, deep down, in those childhood lessons. They burned into my heart and I never healed.

So, what happened yesterday?

I saw the girl in the mirror, and I was not ashamed.

#

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

GA: I Know We Have Not Spoken Much But I Would Like To Request Your Advice On Matters Of Friendship And  
GA: Well Romance  
GA: But First I Must Know  
GA: Can You Keep A Secret  
TG: woah woah woah  
TG: pull up right there  
TG: park your car engage handbrake roll down the window  
TG: officer strider has a very important question  
TG: who else have you told this secret  
TG: i cant be the first person youve come to were not exactly close  
GA: No One  
GA: I Tried To Raise It With Karkat But His Husktop Is Not Safe From Prying Teal Gander Bulbs  
TG: oh god karkat and tz too  
TG: i love them both but seriously kanaya  
TG: roses secret is not yours to share  
GA: Wait  
GA: I Know That  
GA: I Would Never Do That To Her  
GA: The Secret I Am Referring To Is My Own  
GA: And Since I Feel I Must Be Clear About My Intentions Here I Am Going To Come Right Out And Say It  
GA: I Am Developing Flushed Feelings For Rose  
TG: well ok then  
TG: sorry for jumping on you but this shits important  
GA: I Am Well Aware Of That  
GA: And Believe It Or Not But You Were Near The Top Of My List Of People To Talk To About This  
GA: Your Friends Speak Very Highly Of You  
GA: But I Didnt Know You Knew Roses Secret  
TG: yeah we go way back  
GA: Oh  
GA: I Was Under The Impression That I Was The First One She Told  
TG: hey dont get your troll nethercoverings in a twist  
TG: she told you her name before anyone else  
TG: all i got was a five minute chat after you left her house  
TG: she insulted me  
TG: talked about you for four minutes fifty seconds  
TG: said oh yeah call me rose  
TG: and logged off  
GA: You Have Known Her For A Long Time Then  
GA: Maybe You Really Can Help Me  
GA: I Have Become Closer To Rose In The Last Week Than I Ever Expected  
GA: She Is A Fascinating And Delightful Person  
GA: I Think She Needs Someone To Believe In Her And I Am Pleased To Find That Person Is Me  
GA: I Think I Can Help Her  
GA: And I Have Thoroughly Examined My Feelings About Her And Determined That I Am Not Merely Reacting To Someone Who Seems To Need Me Because I Like To Be Needed  
GA: But I Am Worried About Being Selfish  
GA: She Is Going Through A Huge Change In Her Life At The Moment And She Needs Stability And Confidence  
GA: If I Act On My Desires  
GA: Will I Confuse Her  
GA: Will I Hurt Her  
TG: ok youre messed up as hell over this  
TG: clearly you need a jedi master when it comes to dealing with tiny insecure transgender girls  
TG: so step up padawan and let me tell you the first secret of the craft  
GA: Before You Go On I Should Mention  
GA: I Recognize That As A Star Wars Reference  
GA: But If Any Of The Rest Of The Conversation Relies On A Comprehensive Knowledge Of The Films I Should Tell You That I Have Seen The First Few Minutes Only  
GA: Karkat Ejected The Dvd In Disgust When They Didnt Shoot Down The Escape Pod  
GA: It Made Him Surprisingly Angry  
GA: He Had To Watch Eat Pray Love To Calm Down  
TG: okay forget star wars   
TG: this is actually a real secret im about to tell you  
TG: can you handle this or are you going to go straight to terezi  
TG: or that terrifying catgirl who follows karkat around  
TG: i dont want to run into her tomorrow and find her updating my sprite on her shipping ipad  
GA: I Will Keep Your Secret If You Are Willing To Share It  
TG: okay right  
TG: i can help you understand trans shit  
TG: because i am also trans  
TG: no one here knows except for rose  
TG: it was the weirdest thing  
TG: she comes into a trans chat room online  
TG: this is maybe six months ago i dunno  
TG: and starts asking these questions about how you know if youre a boy or a girl  
TG: the usual noob stuff  
TG: except they were all like  
TG: nine sentences long  
TG: and purple  
TG: you know how she is  
GA: I Really Do  
TG: anyway long story short she turns out to be the kid of my bros business partner  
TG: and also the kid who sat opposite me in chemistry for two years and exchanged five words with me in all that time  
TG: three of them were “pass the microscope”  
TG: thats the story the end  
GA: So What Should I Do  
GA: Should I Tell Her How I Feel  
GA: I Really Dont Want To Hurt Her  
GA: I Am Not Worried About Hurting Myself  
GA: I Have Been Through It Before And It Is Nothing I Cant Handle However Much I Do Not Wish To  
GA: But Forcing Myself On Her While She Is Attempting To Transition Seems Like A Terrible Idea  
TG: look its simple  
TG: youre into her  
TG: i know shes into you  
TG: and youre right in thinking that this is a tough time for her  
TG: and its only going to get tougher  
TG: your instincts are telling you to back off  
TG: well thats wrong  
TG: now dont think i am saying you should just dive in  
TG: take it slow  
TG: but she needs someone to care about her  
TG: and having someone around who thinks shes smoking hot will probably do her a world of good too  
TG: so let what happens happen  
TG: youre almost inseparable after like a week so thats a good start  
GA: You Really Think I Can Just  
GA: Be With Her  
TG: i think you can be with her all you want  
TG: just dont rush it  
TG: and any time you got a question about transgender bullshit  
TG: you can come to me  
GA: Wow I Am  
GA: Very Grateful  
GA: Thank You  
TG: no problem

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

#

tipsygnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: rolal to distri  
TG: rolal to distri  
TG: shit i just realized  
TG: got to retire that nickname  
TG: fr reasons of clarity  
TG: not the only rolal any more  
TT: One more good thing to come from your daughter finding herself.  
TT: Is it too much to hope that “distri” will follow it into obscurity?  
TG: no come on dave is way different to dirk as a name  
TG: distri will always ride  
TG: as if on a beautiful pony  
TT: It’s true. My trials are indeed without end.  
TG: you know whats weird?  
TT: Tell me.  
TG: my daughter and your lil bro both chose names with the same initials as us  
TT: Your daughter even chose a name that shares 50% of its letters with yours.  
TT: I don’t think it means anything though.  
TT: Dave’s never called me anything but “bro” and your Rose goes back and forth on whether to call you “mom” or “mother” depending on how frustrated she is with you and the wizard obstacle course you call a home.  
TG: god its a relief tho  
TG: my daughter has a name at last  
TG: for six months ive been calling her sweetie and bb  
TG: anything but use her old name  
TG: there was even a brief experiment with calling her kid  
TG: but u cant make that work unless u ruffle their hair after  
TG: also you have to have a majestic stache like a stern sitcom father  
TG: and im not janey i cant pull that off  
TT: To be fair there’s not much that woman can’t pull off.  
TT: She has class and poise we mere mortals cannot hope to emulate.  
TG: yeah well shes like 103 shes had a long time 2 practice lookin good  
TG: that reminds me  
TG: what do you know about troll vampires?  
TT: Nothing. Why the sudden interest?  
TT: Do you have an infestation?  
TG: no just one  
TG: shes friends with rosie  
TG: and maybe more???  
TG: i think theres something there anyway  
TG: trolls live a long time right?  
TT: Some do, certainly.  
TG: long enough??  
TT: Look, we don’t know if the kids have inherited our mysterious longevity. We don’t even know for sure if WE have.  
TG: oh no ttly  
TG: thats why ur a 40yo who looks like hes 25  
TG: and why my choice figure has remained 100% intact into decade #4  
TG: we just drink a lot of mineral water  
TG: and work out w/ shitty anime swords all day  
TG: face it youre going to be ur own grandpa one day  
TG: like janey and jake  
TT: Are you really thinking of matchmaking your daughter with a troll vampire purely on the basis that they’re likely to have similar life spans?  
TG: no! :///  
TG: but they seem rly close already  
TG: and if it becomes something  
TG: and they both live for 1000000 yrs  
TG: like were obv going to  
TT: Obviously.  
TG: then its nice  
TG: she gets to have someone forever  
TG: i want that for her  
TG: sooooo bad  
TG: this last week shes seemed so happy  
TG: + i realized  
TG: ive never seen her like this  
TT: I know what you mean. It’s been several years since Dave sprung his coming out trap on me, and since then he’s been a new man.  
TT: In ways other than the obvious.  
TG: i just want to do whats best for her  
TT: Maybe you should rethink the wizards, then?  
TG: dont b ridic she loves wizards  
TG: caught her writing wizardfic once  
TG: left her comp in the kitchen  
TG: one endless paragraph of rly dense prose  
TG: but im certain i spotted the word “enchantments” in there  
TG: i was so proud  
TT: With her transition the terrible spell will be complete.  
TT: Roxy Lalonde is launching a clone of herself into the world.  
TG: you know how grateful i am right?  
TG: couldnt have got through this without u  
TT: Are you kidding?  
TT: Who intercepted whose total meltdown years ago? Who gently papped who when he insisted he was an awful excuse for a pseudo-parent with no business raising a boy? Who braved the terrible seas of Google for trans 101s that weren’t written by maniacs while someone who shall not be named but is me stared at the wall internally listing all the reasons I fucked up?  
TG: hells yea were a good team  
TG: <>  
TT: <>  
TT: I’ll find out everything I can about troll vampires for you. Is she a good kid?  
TG: yeah i pestered w/ her and shes super cute  
TG: also v earnest  
TG: i like her  
TT: I’ll get right on it.  
TT: One more thing.  
TT: Regarding your frustrated libido.  
TT: Dave’s friend John Egbert has a dad I think might be your type.  
TT: Eligible, dapper, definitely not gay.  
TG: ooooohh  
TG: is it mayb time to pull the old lalonde seduction techniques out of long term storage?  
TG: ply him with drinks and charm by the bucketload  
TG: take him back to my place and  
TG: show him my wizards  
TT: He’s going to be at the barbecue on Sunday. Maybe you can corner him there and get some private moments?  
TG: hmm yes good  
TG: ugh  
TG: its been so long im not sure i remember how 2 flirt  
TG: last time was with you and look how that turned out  
TG: stupid fulfilling pale relationship  
TG: what if I overdo it???  
TT: Just be yourself.  
TT: You’ll be irresistible.  
TT: And it’s going to be cold Sunday night so dress warm.  
TT: Wear a scarf.  
TG: ur the best  
TG: still keepin my eyes out for someone 4 you  
TT: I won’t hold my breath.  
TG: later distri

tipsygnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]


	6. Chapter 6

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

GA: Karkat  
GA: I Need To Talk To You  
GA: About Tonight  
GA: Its Important  
CG: WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT TONIGHT ANYWAY?  
CG: LALONDE'S BAFFLING "ANNOUNCEMENT" THAT HE HAD TO TELL US ABOUT IN ADVANCE INSTEAD OF JUST SHOWING UP AND SAYING HIS PIECE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?  
CG: DUMBASS MOVE. MAKE SURE YOU TELL HIM NEXT TIME YOU SEE HIM, IF YOU AREN'T ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY ADJACENT RIGHT NOW, THAT IF HE DOESN'T WANT PEOPLE TO SPEND THE BEST PART OF A WEEK SPECULATING WILDLY AS TO HIS HEALTH AND POSSIBLE CRIMES HE SHOULD AVOID MAKING OBLIQUE NOTICES ON OPEN MESSAGE BOARDS.  
CG: VRISKA TRIED TO GET SOLLUX TO BREAK INTO THE NATIONAL CRIME DATABASE. SHE'S CONVINCED LALONDE'S MURDERED SOMEONE WHICH HAS, OF COURSE, MADE HIM TEN TIMES MORE INTERESTING TO HER. YOU MAY HAVE COMPETITION.  
CG: WHAT'S THE APPEAL ANYWAY? DO YOU GO OVER TO HIS HOUSE FOUR TIMES A WEEK TO SIT IN NEAR-SILENCE BY THE PANTRY AND MAKE OCCASIONAL SNARKY COMMENTS ABOUT THE SURPRISINGLY VIOLENT HISTORY OF THE POTATO CHIP? DO YOU PRACTICE STANDING SLIGHTLY TOO FAR AWAY FROM EACH OTHER WHILE CONVERSING, ALTERNATING WHO GETS TO MAKE THE AWKWARD LYING EXCUSE ABOUT MUTANT CAT INFESTATIONS AND GRACELESSLY EXIT THE ROOM?  
CG: I KNOW MY TWO EXAMPLES ARE WEIRDLY SPECIFIC BUT THEY CONSTITUTE THE ONLY TWO SOCIAL INTERACTIONS I HAVE HAD WITH HIM IN OVER A YEAR OF CASUAL ACQUAINTANCE.  
CG: IS HE JUST THAT DELICIOUS? IS HIS THIN HUMAN BLOOD SOMEHOW MORE TASTY AND NUTRITIOUS THAN MINE? I WOULD FIND THAT PERSONALLY OFFENSIVE, BY THE WAY.  
CG: HELLO?  
CG: ARE YOU THERE?   
GA: I Apologize For Letting You Go On And On Like The Proverbial Battery Powered Hopbeast  
GA: But I Wanted To Be Sure It Was You  
CG: OH GOD.  
CG: TEREZI'S BEEN ON MY HUSKTOP AGAIN HASN'T SHE?  
CG: I DON'T GET IT, I USE THE PASSWORD PROTECTION AND SHE'S HARDLY SOLLUX.  
GA: Karkat Your Passwords Are Not Hard To Guess  
GA: Vriska Got On Your Computer Twice In One Week  
GA: And The Second Time Was After Youd Updated Your Security Settings And Changed Your Password From FUCKYOU To FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU  
GA: It Took Her A Couple Of Tries To Get In The Second Time Because She Had To Try FUCKYOU And FUCKYOUFUCKYOU First  
CG: FUCK WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?  
CG: AT LEAST IT WAS A WHILE AGO IF YOU AND HER WERE STILL TALKING.  
CG: REMIND ME LATER TO CHANGE MY PASSWORD.  
CG: LOOK I DON'T CARE. EVERYONE CAN LOG ON TO MY COMPUTER IF THEY WANT, I'VE GOT NOTHING TO HIDE.  
GA: Yes Ive Always Thought Of You As A Very Open Person  
CG: FUCKING RIGHT.  
CG: SO WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING ME AGAIN?  
GA: Well We Were Talking About The Big Announcement Tonight  
CG: AND HOW THE WAY LALONDE'S GONE ABOUT IT IS BASICALLY THE WORST EVER.  
CG: INCIDENTALLY, THIS HAS MADE ME FAR MORE EXCITED TO SEE IT GO DOWN. IF HE'S THIS BAD AT PLANNING, HE'S GOT TO BE APPALLING AT EXECUTION.  
GA: That Is The Thing  
GA: This Is Going To Be A Very Difficult Time For  
GA: For Tt  
CG: WAIT, WHY ARE YOU DANCING AROUND SAYING HIS NAME?  
CG: IS THIS WHAT IT'S ABOUT?  
GA: I Cant Tell You  
GA: The Information Is Not Mine To Share  
GA: But  
GA: I Need To Ask  
GA: Tt Is Going To Be Vulnerable After The Announcement  
GA: It Is A Difficult Thing  
GA: Requiring Much Courage  
GA: We Count Among Our Friends And Reluctant Acquaintances Many Who Could Be Described As  
GA: As  
CG: RAGING NOOKFUNNELS?  
CG: INCONSIDERATE SPONGEFRIED BULGECANOES?  
CG: WORTHLESS MEATFONDLING SHITCANNONS?  
GA: I Am Sure Others Would Recognize The Spirit Behind Such Descriptions  
GA: If Not The Actual Form  
GA: But Yes That Is More Or Less The Point  
GA: I Am Going To Be Standing With Tt  
GA: We Need You To Help Control Our More Um Enthusiastically Contrary Friends  
CG: THAT'S A BIG JOB.  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT IT TAKES TO SHUT SOME OF THEM UP.  
GA: You Dont Need To Make It Perfect  
GA: Just Help Out  
GA: Please  
CG: DON'T GIVE ME THOSE SAD RUMINANT EYES OF COURSE I'M FUCKING GOING TO DO IT.  
CG: HOW LONG HAVE WE KNOWN EACH OTHER, JEGUS.  
GA: Thank You  
GA: You Wont Be Alone  
GA: Dave Is Going To Be Assisting  
CG: STRIDER?  
CG: THAT INSUFFERABLE AGGLOMERATION OF INSECT VOMIT?  
CG: ARE YOU SURE HE'S NOT DOING THIS IN SERVICE OF SOME INSCRUTABLE "IRONIC" JOKE?  
CG: IT'LL BACKFIRE ON YOU, RELYING ON THAT IDIOT.  
GA: It Was His Idea  
GA: And He Agreed I Should Ask You  
GA: He Also Suggested You And He  
GA: Coordinate  
GA: Do You Know His Pesterchum Name  
GA: He Is Really Not That Bad Ive Spoken To Him A Few Times  
GA: I Have Reason To Believe He Will Not Sabotage This  
  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has gone idle.  
  
GA: Karkat  
GA: Are You Ok  
GA: Did You Injure Yourself  
GA: Has The Thought Of Talking To Dave Caused You To Pop Your Outrage Sphincter  
CG: WHAT.  
CG: NO.  
CG: CONTRARY TO WHAT OTHERS MIGHT BELIEVE I AM A CALM AND NONJUDGMENTAL TROLL.  
CG: IF COORDINATING WITH STRIDER WILL HELP MAKE A DIFFICULT SITUATION EASIER ON ONE OF MY OLDEST FRIENDS THEN DAMN RIGHT I WILL.  
CG: THE DELAY WAS ME CONTACTING HIM.  
CG: THE HOWL OF FRUSTRATION YOU MAY HAVE HEARD FROM TWO BLOCKS AWAY WAS MY REACTION TO HIM ASKING ABOUT MY "HILARIOUS RAGE BONER."  
GA: Oh Dear  
CG: I CAN HANDLE STRIDER.  
CG: YOU WORRY ABOUT LALONDE.  
CG: HONESTLY, WHAT WOULD HUMANS DO WITHOUT TROLLS TO DEAL WITH THEIR INTERPERSONAL CONFLICTS FOR THEM?  
GA: I Cant Even Begin To Imagine

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

#

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: STRIDER.  
CG: DESPITE MY THOUSAND MISGIVINGS I AM CONTACTING YOU OUT OF RESPECT FOR OUR MUTUAL FRIENDS.  
CG: I EXPECT NOTHING LESS THAN COMPLETE COOPERATION FROM YOU FOR THE DURATION OF OUR ASSIGNMENT. I WILL BROOK NO ARGUMENT ON THIS MATTER.  
TG: dude what  
TG: ugh  
TG: its way too early to be subjected to your screaming rage boner  
TG: no matter how hilarious it normally is  
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, TOO EARLY?  
CG: IT'S ELEVEN IN THE MORNING.  
TG: dont apply your bizarre troll standards to my superior earth human sleep cycle  
TG: i was up late last night mixing sick beats while you were fast asleep in your goo cocoon dreaming about leading an elite team of troll violence doctors or whatever you call them  
CG: I'VE LISTENED TO YOUR "SICK BEATS," STRIDER. I'VE HEARD DYING NUT CREATURES WITH BETTER RHYTHM AND LESS HORRIFICALLY INADEQUATE RHYMING SKILLS. YOUR MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE FALLING DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.  
CG: AND I'VE NEVER HEARD OF AN IMPERIAL ORDER CALLED "TROLL VIOLENCE DOCTORS" BUT IF I EVER MEET ANY I PROMISE TO GIVE THEM YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS AND INSTRUCT THEM TO BE VERY, VERY OFFENDED.  
TG: i think i know the track you mean and yeah fair play  
TG: i was lost in the moment and tripped on a smuppet but kept recording anyway  
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU EVEN UPLOADED IT.  
TG: i consider it a warning for future generations  
TG: anyway what do you mean assignment  
CG: I THOUGHT YOU TALKED TO KANAYA ABOUT THIS?  
TG: oh yeah tonight  
TG: dont see why we need to discuss it  
TG: its crowd control  
TG: someones a dick then whoever is closest gives them a polite slap  
TG: job done the end let me sleep  
CG: ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?  
TG: nah you dont need to know  
TG: youll find out soon enough  
TG: seriously though i only got my head down at 6am  
TG: i need my beauty sleep  
  
turntechGodhead [TG] logged out!  
  
CG: NO FUCK YOU COME BACK.  
  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has gone idle.  
  
CG: THERE.  
  
turntechGodhead [TG] logged in.  
  
TG: ok stop texting me jesus  
TG: how did you get my number  
TG: fuck  
TG: look at all the swears on my phones homescreen  
TG: that phones only been used to talk to egbert and harley  
TG: it was sweet and innocent  
TG: youve forced it into the adult world years too early  
TG: im going to find it talking to girls and stealing the car to break curfew  
TG: how dare you  
CG: PUT A CORK IN YOUR SHIT FUNNEL FOR GOD'S SAKE.  
CG: BECAUSE LISTEN.  
CG: YOU WON'T TELL ME WHAT THIS IS ABOUT, KANAYA WON'T TELL ME WHAT THIS IS ABOUT, AND YOU BOTH WANT MY HELP. THAT'S NOT FAIR.  
CG: YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE SORT OF RIDICULOUS BEASTSHIT THEORIES I'VE BEEN SUBJECTED TO ALL WEEK. CROWD CONTROL? I'VE BEEN DOING NOTHING ELSE AND THAT'S BEFORE ANYONE ASKED ME IF I WAS OKAY WITH IT.   
CG: YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW ME VERY WELL BUT KANAYA DOES AND FUCKING HELL, SHE KNOWS I'M NOT GOING TO BE A DICK ABOUT WHATEVER IT IS.  
CG: BUT I'M AT THE END OF MY PATIENCE HERE SO UNLESS YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING I'M GOING TO LALONDE.  
TG: ok fine  
TG: stop being so outraged  
TG: youre making me feel grateful towards you  
TG: it itches and its weird  
TG: let me talk to tt  
  
tentacleTherapist [TT] joined the chat!  
  
TT: I'm here.  
TT: Hold on a moment while I read the log Dave sent.  
TT: Okay.  
TT: First, Karkat, thank you for putting out my fires all week.  
TT: My decision to announce my intentions was ill-considered. For the last week or so, I have been somewhat preoccupied with the need to make progress, and any day not spent working towards my eventual goals has felt wasted. I feel I must make up for lost time, so I do silly things on the spur of the moment like post that stupid memo.  
TT: At least it locked me in to making an appearance tonight and getting it over with.  
CG: IS THIS WHERE YOU TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?  
TT: Yes.  
TT: Yes, I suppose it is.  
TT: I should be pleased. This can be my trial run: a chance to come out to someone I don't know particularly well but see regularly. And at one remove, too, so that if it goes poorly I can close the laptop and retreat to the harsh embrace of a very cold shower and an unnecessarily abrasive loofah.  
CG: OH MY GOD, GET ON WITH IT.  
TT: Sorry.  
TT: I'm a trans girl. From now on I'm going to start living as one, and I would appreciate it if you would use "she" pronouns and the name Rose when you talk to me and about me.  
TT: If you need more detail I can provide it. Suffice it to say, I'm a girl.  
TT: Hi.  
CG: LALONDE, I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST.  
CG: I WAS EXPECTING MORE.  
CG: WITH ALL THE BUILD-UP YOU COULD AT LEAST HAVE DONE ME THE COURTESY OF HAVING A REALLY INTERESTING DISEASE OR HIDDEN THIRD ARM OR SOMETHING.  
CG: AND OF COURSE THIS IS WHY KANAYA AND STRIDER WOULD ONLY REFER TO YOU BY YOUR PESTERCHUM NAME.  
CG: WOW. THAT WAS A MYSTERY WE CAN ALL BE HAPPY GOT SOLVED.  
CG: LOOK. I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW HOW THE OTHERS WILL REACT. BUT I PROMISE THAT IF ANYONE BADMOUTHS YOU I WILL CLIMB ONTO THEIR THINKBONE AND PUNCH DOWN HARD. IT'S POSSIBLE SOME OF THE LOWER BLOODS MIGHT EVEN FEEL IT.  
TT: Thank you, Karkat. I'm rather touched.  
CG: HEY. THANK ME AFTER THE LUNATIC CLOWN HAS BEATEN ME TO HALF TO DEATH FOR SITTING ON HIM.  
  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  
  
TG: quite sweet really isn't he

#

Every night since you first wore it you’ve been tempted to wear the orange dress again, to try and recapture the feeling of seeing yourself in it for the first time. You’ve resisted: testing your makeup skill against your self-esteem a night or two before you come out to everyone you know seemed like a bad idea.

Your mother, glad to be able to do something to help, had with great ceremony wheeled a brand new wardrobe into your room and hung your two dresses inside. They looked rather lonely by themselves and you resolved to get more to keep them company.

The drawers and shelves of the wardrobe unit were full almost to bursting: a succession of couriers had rolled up to the front door every morning for the last three days, bringing boxes and boxes of clothes from online stores, which your mom, beaming, had stuffed by the armful into your new furniture. Basics, mostly: shirts and jeans and leggings and the odd hoodie; strangely enough, only the hoodies had functional pockets. Fortunately one of the last deliveries had been mostly shoulder bags. 

“I may be a total emotional load,” your mother had said, presenting you with a few shades of foundation and tinted moisturizer to go with the other makeup you’d pilfered from her room, “but at least I have six credit cards.”

You’d been so delighted you hadn’t quite processed what she said, and had to go find her later to reassure her that she wasn’t an emotional load. You’d hugged.

There’s been more hugging between the two of you over the last few days than in the previous year.

You also extracted your few online purchases from the back of the now quite outclassed closet and mingled them with the rest of the clothes. Kicking a ratty pair of sneakers and an old coat into the closet and closing the door on all your boy clothes felt good. You’d wondered if you should get a lock and throw away the key.

And then suddenly it’s tonight, and there’s no more time to worry and no more time to think: you’re made up, dressed up, and in the back seat of your mom’s car with Kanaya and on your way.

#

TG: distri   
TG: its me   
TG: were here   
TG: rosie and kanaya are going to hang back for a bit i think   
TG: can u keep an eye out?   
TT: Of course.   
TT: Your man, if you are still interested, is on the other side of the green. Talking to Jane.   
TT: They're related, by the way.   
TG: i didnt know janey had a son!!   
TG: she couldve said   
TT: She doesn't. I chose my words carefully. It's complicated.   
TG: does its complicated mean i can still mack on him   
TT: Go right ahead.   
  
TT: We're here.   
TG: yeah so is everyone   
GA: Wow Even Sollux   
GA: How Did You Manage That   
CG: I AGREED TO STOP TRYING TO WRITE VIRUSES.   
CG: I HOPE YOU APPRECIATE MY SACRIFICE, I WAS THIS CLOSE TO MAKING VRISKA'S COMPUTER EXPLODE.   
TG: when should i start rounding up chumps   
TT: Not yet. Approximately how much time will it take to have a panic attack in a bush?   
CG: SIX MINUTES.   
  
EB: i'm really excited. i've got money riding on this.   
GG: ive told you already john   
GG: hes not going to go around the world in 80 days!   
EB: he's dropped hints! it's a charity thing. it'll be a big pink balloon.   
GG: i think hes going to a private boarding school and we wont see him for a year   
GC: YOU 4R3 BOTH WRONG   
GC: H3 1S L34V1NG TO JO1N TH3 TR4V3L1NG C1RCUS 4ND W3 W1LL N3V3R S33 H1M 4G41N   
AG: Oh, come on. He's not the circus type!   
GC: 1T 1S 4LW4YS TH3 QU13T ON3S >;]   
AG: It's clearly not. Explain Gamzee.   
GG: to be fair he is quiet most of the time!   
EB: until he sneaks up behind you with his horn.   
AG: I don't think he expected you to hit him though!!!!!!!!   
EB: yeah, him and me both!   
EB: er, is he here?   
GC: K4RK4T H4S 3R1D4N 4ND F3F3R1 W4TCH1NG H1M   
AG: I still say Lalonde's killed someone.   
  
CA: this blowws   
CA: wwhy do wwe get stuck wwith clowwn duty   
CC: You minnow full w)(ale we're t)(e only ones strong enoug)( to )(old )(im down if )(e )(as one of )(is episodes.   
CA: wwhat about equius   
CA: i thought bein STRONG wwas his wwhole thing   
CC: )(e )(as a problem wit)( )(ig)( bloods, remember! And )(e's not even )(ere yet.   
CA: and hes fuckin useless dont forget that   
CC: Don't be bitter! You'll meet someone too, just like )(e did. You won't be s)(ingle forever.   
CA: that wwas a fuckin mess   
CA: i wwas at that convvention too an evveryone thought my harry potter wwas awwful   
CA: he turns up halfwway through the day hasnt evven bothered to dress up   
CA: some human girl instantly latches onto him thinkin hes doin wwhatevver the fuck a ford prefect is   
CC: You )(ave to admit, )(e does always know w)(ere )(is towel is!   
CA: yeah   
CA: i should be out there meetin people   
CA: not stuck here wwith cheery the unemployed heiress and bozo the soda clowwn   
CC: I t)(ink it's nice!   
CA: yeah wwell you wwould   
TC: :o)   
CA: you can shut up too   
  
CG: HEY.   
TG: hey   
AC: :33 < *ac sidles up to karkat and the handsome human boy and wiggles her rear end*   
TG: woah nice ass waggle   
CG: NEPETA I FORBID YOU TO RP IN FRONT OF THE HUMANS.   
AC: :33 < theres only one troll i let speak to me like that!   
AC: :33 < and hes off playing with his new human girl friend :((   
AC: :33 < its nice fur him but   
AC: :33 < *ac misses ct and wishes he would visit her cave more often*   
CG: YOU DON'T LIVE IN A CAVE. YOU LIVE IN A NICE APARTMENT WITH YOUR ANCESTOR AND HER CREEPY MATESPRIT.   
TG: hey ive seen him   
TG: he isnt creepy you just cant handle that he looks like you   
CG: NO WAY. HIS TEETH ARE STUPID LOOKING.   
AC: :33 < *ac hisses at karkat fur speaking about his ancestor like that*   
CG: HE'S NOT MY ANCESTOR. ANCESTORS ARE BULLSHIT. IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT WE'RE LITERALLY SURROUNDED BY THEM. ANCESTORS ARE STILL BULLSHIT.   
AC: :33 < *ac bats playfully at karkat hoping to distract him*   
CG: I CAN'T COPE WITH ANY MORE OF THIS.   
TG: no its fun go along with it   
TG: uh   
TG: *dave says hi to the cat troll*   
AC: :33 < *ac perks up and looks expectantly at the human boy*   
TG: *dave reaches into a pocket and pulls out a laser pointer*   
AC: :33 < *ac gets excited and starts pouncing on the red dot on the ground*   
CG: OH MY GOD.   
CG: KARKAT LEAVES DAVE TO HIS UNTIMELY DOOM AND GOES TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO TALK TO.   
AT: oH, hI,   
CG: KARKAT KEEPS WALKING.   
  
TA: karkat'2 lucky the food ii2 good.   
AA: admit it   
AA: its nice to see everyone sometimes   
TA: ii admiit nothiing.   
  
GA: Are You Ready Rose   
TT: I don't think I'd be ready if I had a thousand years to prepare.   
GA: I Will Be Right Beside You   
GA: Remember What We Talked About   
GA: You Have Been In The Dark So Long   
GA: They Have Never Seen The Real You   
GA: She Deserves To Be Known   
TT: Right, then.   
TT: Deep breath.   
TT: Time's up.   
TT: Let there be light.

#

Your hand finds Kanaya’s, and together you walk across the green.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually remembered to remove all the "smart quotes" from the pesterlogs in this chapter.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long! Weird week.
> 
> Thanks to my lovely girlfriend for betaing.

The green is arranged as a large circle of grass and assorted trees and benches surrounding a gazebo, separated into four wedges by paths that lead out from the center like thick spokes. Each wedge of grass has its own bonfire and set of trestle tables and barbecue grills, run by volunteers from various local causes and communities.

Your friends and Kanaya’s are in a few loose groups around the bonfire nearest the parking lot. You can see John, Jade, Terezi, Vriska, oh god, they’re _all_ here! Except the sweaty one, you can’t see him.

You and Kanaya walk on, hand in hand, and when you get close enough to hear what they’re saying you realize they’ve already seen you.

“Hey, who’s the cute girl with Kanaya?”

That was John.

“Kanaya has a new girl?”

That was Vriska.

Well, at least you pass. In low light. From a distance. Ugh. Accept the damn positives where you find them, Lalonde.

You’re going to out yourself when you speak, though. A week isn’t enough time to undo the damage puberty did to your voice and the half-whisper you use at home isn’t going to cut it here.

“Wait a minute...”

That was Jade. Time to speak up, before people start guessing.

You’ve reached a point roughly equidistant between all your friends, so you step into a patch of slightly brighter light, but you don’t let go of Kanaya’s hand. You find Dave in the crowd and concentrate on his face. He gives you an encouraging little nod.

“Hello, everyone,” you say loudly, acutely aware of your deep voice. There are a few gasps in the crowd and some muttering that Karkat somehow manages to glare into silence. “I am... well, you already know who I am. You’re probably all quite surprised to see me like this, but the truth is, this _is_ me. It always was. It just took me a while to realize it.

“Some of you I know quite well. Some of you I’ve barely spoken with. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to both groups: I’m sorry we haven’t been good friends. You see, I haven’t been myself.

“I request from all of you a fresh start. Not just a new start in the way you see me, but a new start to our friendships. To that end, I would like to introduce myself, properly, for the first time:

“My name is Rose Lalonde. Pleased to meet you.”

In the silence that follows – and you can’t help but notice that more groups of people and trolls have gone quiet than just your friends; everyone is looking at you! – you try to concentrate on breathing and remaining upright.

Then Terezi shouts, “Hey, Egbert! You owe me ten dollars!” and suddenly everyone’s talking at once.

Kanaya squeezes your hand and whispers, “Well done!” but before you can turn back to her you see Jade running out of the crowd towards you. She sweeps you up in her arms and you find yourself on the receiving end of your first ever Harley bear hug.

“Oh my gosh this is so amazing!” she says, relaxing her grip to look right at you. “I thought you were unhappy but I didn’t realize why and now it makes sense and, gosh, look at you, you’re so beautiful!”

You can’t contain your delight. You also can't see out of her hair. 

“Thank you, Jade!” you say and return the hug as warmly as you can. “I was so worried no-one would accept me but here, at least, you are.”

She just hugs you more tightly.

“You never need to worry about me!” she says, and then pulls out and looks at you, mock-severely. “Wait, you weren’t worried about me, were you? About what I would think?” You manage a confused sort of shrugging gesture and she envelops you again. “You silly girl!”

“Hello, Jade,” Kanaya says.

“Hi, Kanaya! Isn’t she so pretty?”

“Yes, I rather think so.”

Still covered in Jade, you wonder if it’s possible to die of simultaneous happiness and embarrassment. 

#

TG: hey im with hot dad egbert over here hows it going w/rosie  
TG: i feel bad missing it but shes already come out once to me and i was worried itd make her more nervous for me 2 b over there???  
TG: ugh wait im coming over  
TG: no  
TG: im not  
TG: oh god hot dad egbert can see me texting  
TG: has now seen me call him "hot dad egbert" twice  
TG: make that 3 times  
TG: am totes horrified  
TG: might have to run away from everyone for a while  
TG: live in a tree like a lil burd  
TG: strider help how do i flirt with people  
TT: You're asking me for assistance in the romantic department? Because it's not one of my strengths.  
TT: I spent the best part of six months plying Jake with my most romantic robots only for him to turn me down because I am, quote, "a good sixty years too young," and my response to said rejection was to plough myself so deeply into my work and hobbies that the line between smuppet and killer robot became dangerously blurred.  
TT: I had to move Dave into a motel for a week and spend days at home while he was at school checking every puppet and appliance for signs of deadly AI.  
TT: And when you're trying to do it in a hurry it's hard to tell the difference between an AI that wants to kill you and an AI that merely wants to sass you.  
TT: So no, I cannot help you.  
TT: In the plus column, "hot dad Egbert" has just texted and informed me in no uncertain terms that you are "a classy lady."  
TT: So you might want to put a hold on any plans to become a bird for now.  
TT: And Rose is doing fine. She's with that Kanaya girl, who seems to be fiercely protective of her, and Jade.  
TT: I've got an AI shard monitoring their texts, instant messages, and spoken conversations if you'd like a sample.  
TG: should i even try and bring up the subject of privacy  
TG: nah plug me in  
  
\-- you are now monitoring feed A#527 --  
  
CA: im just sayin does anyone think shes wway hotter noww  
CA: fef you think ivve got a chance  
CC: I t)(ink for your own safety you'd better steer clear! You don't want to cross Kanaya again!  
CA: no i get it red quadrant filled anyone can see that  
CA: im thinkin blackwwise  
CA: maybe i should go call her a dude and make fun a her dress an see if wwe can get somethin goin  
TG: if you even try it i will rip off your arm  
TG: and feed it to nepeta  
AC: :33 < *ac pauses updating her shipping wall to bare her four rows of sharp teeth at eridan!*  
CA: wwoww davve i didnt knoww you felt that wway  
CA: let me think about this  
CA: okay im in  
AG: Dave, I recommend you ignore his advances. Unless you want to spend the next two sweeps fielding pathetic h8 letters and cleaning up the 8roken remains of your favorite model ships every Valentine's Day.  
TG: nah i can take him  
TG: come at me if you think youre fish troll enough  
CA: howw dare you im fish troll enough for fivve a you  
TG: is that a challenge  
TG: or a fantasy  
TG: it can be both get your coat  
CA: wwait are you serious right noww  
CA: fef help i cant tell any more  
CA: fef wwhere are you  
  
\-- paused monitoring feed A#527 --  
  
TG: is this really what they talk about  
TT: It's like a window into a whole new world, isn't it?  
TT: Tuck in your hands and feet, Roxy Lalonde, for we are about to leap back through the fenestrated pane and into Troll Wonderland.  
  
\-- switched to monitoring feed A#528 --  
  
CC: )(ello! You don't reely know me, Rose, but I'm a friend of Kanaya's.  
GG: hey what about me! :(  
CC: And of Jade's!  
GG: :p  
TT: Hello. Feferi, right? It's nice to meet you.  
CC: It's nice to meet you! I )(ope you don't mind me saying, but you're so INT-ER-ESTING! I never knew )(umans could switc)( gender like t)(is! Boy one day, girl t)(e next, it's fintastic!  
TT: I don't mind. You're making it sound more automatic than it really is, though. This has only been the first week of a much longer process.  
CC: T)(at's even better! I can't wait to sea )(ow you turn out, it's so -EXCITING!  
CC: GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB! 38D  
TT: I certainly appreciate your enthusiasm. You seem like a singular young woman.  
CC: T)(ank you! Anywave, I'm sorry I can't stay to talk about everyfin, but I've got to go. I'm on clown duty.  
CC: I can't wait to sea )(ow you tern out! Bye!  
TT: What an enthusiastic person.  
GG: she means well! shes just a little um.......  
GG: glubbing excitable!  
TT: What's the deal with the glubs, anyway? And I thought I caught some fish puns?  
GG: arent they fun?  
GG: and i think she was trying reely hard to be serious because she missed a few opportunities!  
GG: i can spot them coming these days......  
GA: Karkat Calls It Her Little Affliction  
TT: Karkat calls it that? That seems extraordinarily restrained.  
GA: I Admit To A Degree Of Interpretation  
TT: Naturally.  
GC: H3LLO N3W FR13ND ROS3  
GC: 4S P3R YOUR R3SP3CTFUL R3QU3ST 1 4M COMM3NC1NG OUR FR13NDSH1P 4N3W  
GC: 1 H4V3 4LR34DY FORGOTT3N 3V3RYTH1NG 4BOUT YOU  
GC: PL34S3 ST4T3 YOUR H31GHT W31GHT 4ND F4VOR1T3 FOODS FOR TH3 R3CORD  
TT: Hi, Terezi. It's good to see you. You're looking terrifyingly friendly as ever.  
GC: TH4NK YOU!  
GC: 1 4M PR3P4R1NG TO STUDY YOUR 34RTH HUM4N 4M3R1C4N L4W N3XT SW33P 4ND 4 L4WY3R SHOULD PROV1D3 SYMP4THY 4ND 1NSP1R3 C4M4R4D3R13 4S W3LL 4S PROVOK3 F34R 4ND T3RROR  
TT: Most efficient of you to embody all of these traits at once.  
GC: >:]  
GC: 1 MUST COMPL1M3NT YOU ON YOUR D3L1C1OUS OR4NG3 DR3SS  
TT: Thank you. As you probably already suspect, Kanaya is responsible, not just for the dress but for most aspects of my appearance tonight.  
GC: W3LL OBV1OUSLY  
GC: CONGR4TUL4T1ONS K4N4Y4 ON F1N4LLY D3V3LOP1NG 1MP3CC4BL3 T4ST3  
GC: >;]  
GA: And Off She Goes  
GA: Via The Nearest Food Table Of Course  
GA: I Have Never Known A Troll With Such An Appetite For Cluckbeast Wings  
GG: youre doing very well rose!  
TT: That's because I have Kanaya to lean on. I promise you, if it weren't for her steady arm and guiding hand I would have been back in my panic attack bush twenty minutes ago.  
GA: I Am Not Sure The Bush Could Survive Another Round  
GA: I Am Considerably Sturdier And As Such I Am Happy To Substitute For The Bush For As Long As Is Required  
TT: Most kind.  
GG: i cant stand how adorable you two are!!  
GG: wait you didn't really have a panic attack in a bush did you? :(  
TT: Of course not.  
GA: The Bush Was Merely Present  
TT: A silent witness.  
GA: It Was Quite Supportive Nonetheless  
TT: Stoic.  
GA: Yet Sympathetic  
TT: A tower of strength in a time of need.  
GA: If More Bushes Were Like That Bush This World Would Be A Better Place  
TT: Alas.  
GG: oh my gosh you two deserve each other!!!  
  
\-- paused monitoring feed A#528 --

#

You’re sat on the end of a bench, still holding on to Kanaya’s hand as if your life depends on it. Bless her, she doesn’t seem to mind at all, and if she’d rather be talking to her friends she’s not showing it. Jade’s spent several more enthusiastic minutes questioning you and occasionally glancing behind her, obviously trying to make up for the fact that no-one else came up after Feferi and Terezi.

The rest of them seem to be furiously talking amongst themselves.

“Stay right there, Rose,” Jade says. “It’s so exciting to call you that name! I’m going to say it extra often to make up for all the years I called you that other one. Rose Rose Rose Rose! Anyway, stay there. I’m going to go and get a certain somebody who should be here right now!”

And with that Jade’s up and bouncing away into the crowd of people. She returns with an Egbert in tow.

John looks sheepish. “Um, hey.”

“My eyes are up here, John,” you say.

“I know! I know that. Um. I’m not very good at this. I don’t think it’s, I mean, maybe it’s right for you, but... You shouldn’t, that is, I should, um.”

He’s getting himself flustered and you’re not really sure what he’s trying to say, but you’re fairly certain it’s not good.

“John, it’s okay,” you say, swallowing hard. You’d expected people not to understand but you’d never have predicted that easy-going John Egbert would be one of them. “You don’t need to accept it immediately.”

John mumbles something you don’t catch but before he can repeat himself, Karkat is on him and dragging him away by the hand.

“Yes he does, Lalonde,” Karkat shouts, “and he will by the time I’m done with him.”

Jade watches them go, chewing her lip.

“Sorry, Rose! I really didn’t think he’d be like that,” she says. She puts a hand on your knee and squeezes. “I’m going to help Karkat! I’ll be back soon.”

And she’s off.

You lean against Kanaya, who wraps her other arm around you and draws you into a hug.

“I wanted to yell at him,” you say, “scream at him for making this, I don’t know; something he questioned? Something he _could_ question?”

“He would have deserved it,” she says. “But I’m glad you didn’t. For your sake, not his.”

“It was... hard.”

Kanaya tightens her embrace. “But this is the hardest it will ever be,” she says, “and then it will be over.”

You lean into her and sigh.

#

\-- switched to monitoring feed A#529 --  
  
EB: it's not that i think it's wrong or anything!  
CG: WELL WHAT DO YOU THINK, YOU APPALLING DEFECATION NOZZLE? LALONDE'S HOLDING HER BLOODPUSHER UP IN FRONT OF ALL OF US, GIVING US A CHANCE TO APPROVE OR DISAPPROVE OF HER RIGHT TO HER FACE, SO IF YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH IT JUST SAY SO ALREADY. SHOW A LITTLE BUGWINGED FUCKING DECENCY.  
EB: it's not that! i don't even know what it is. i've known about this for ten seconds, i can't have everything straight immediately!  
GG: well youd better work it out right now!  
GG: its not fair to rose otherwise  
GG: we didnt bring everyone here so you could ARGUE with her!!!  
EB: it was... he was always just plain old him, you know? and now he's someone else!  
CG: WHAT THE BLEEDING CARCASS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SHE'S THE SAME PERSON SHE ALWAYS FUCKING WAS, BUT NOW WE HAVE A REASON WHY SHE WOULDN'T TALK TO ANYONE FOR MORE THAN THREE SECONDS.  
GG: wait john... are you INTO her now?  
EB: no! i'm not a homosexual!  
GG: WHAT?????  
CG: OKAY JADE, I'VE GOT THIS. YOU GO MINGLE.  
CG: EGBERT, WE'RE GOING TO GO THROUGH ALL THE THINGS WRONG WITH WHAT YOU JUST SAID. WHEN WE'RE DONE THERE WILL BE A TEST.  
CG: PAY. ATTENTION.  
  
\-- paused monitoring feed A#529 --  
  
TG: distri  
TG: you think hot dad egbert will still like me if i kill his son  
TG: or just maim him a bit  
TT: I think you can trust the kids to sort this out themselves. Vantas' descendent seems determined to make this go well for Rose, and once my bro has managed to extricate himself from caliginous sea trolls and role playing cat girls he'll probably be of some help, too.  
TG: and look at mini harley go!!  
TG: might have to send her some thank you dog treats fr that hellbeast she calls a pet  
  
\-- switched to monitoring feed A#530 --  
  
GG: why is everyone over here in a big huddle?  
GG: shouldnt someone be talking to rose right now?  
TC: dOn'T kNoW wHy AlL tHe BrOtHeRs AnD sIsTeRs GoT tHeIr FeAr On.  
TC: ThE lItTlE hUmAn WeNt AnD mAdE a MiRaClE aLl Of HeRsElF.  
TC: tHiNk I'lL gO gIvE hEr SoMe StRaIgHt Up.  
TC: MoThErFuCkIn.  
TC: cOnGrAtUlAtIoNs.  
CC: O)( no you don't! -Eridan give me a )(and!  
AC: :33 < im just worried ill say the wrong thing  
AC: :33 < i never really spoke to her before  
TG: so its like youre meeting for the first time  
TG: rose isnt scary  
TG: get her to open up and suddenly shes doing all the work for you  
TG: its like turning on a tap  
TG: only instead of water you get junior psychobabble and a lot of self criticism hidden inside what looks to the untrained eye like a painfully accurate assessment of all your character flaws  
TG: magic  
AC: :33 < i dont know if i feel any better about talking to her now!  
AC: :33 < maybe ill just wave  
AC: :33 < *ac stands up as tall as she can on her hindpaws and waves at the nice new human girl*  
CA: you knoww that be more effectivve if you wwaited until certain massivve blue bloods wwerent standin betwween you an her  
CT: D --> Hello  
CT: D --> I'm not e%actly sure what's going on here  
AA: lalonde is a girl now  
CT: D --> I assume from conte%t that she wasn't before  
AG: Yeah, she was just a dork 8efore!  
AG: Now she's 8etter, I guess.  
CT: D --> Very well  
AG: That's it? A lower key reaction than I would have expected of you, Zahhak.  
CT: D --> Now that I am w00ing a human I have had to learn to control myself  
CT: D --> It has been most instructive  
AA: yes everyone is taking the news very calmly!  
TG: except john for some reason  
TG: i dunno whats got his earth goat  
TG: never struck me as the type to get all phobic on us  
CA: egberts wwaxin black for lalonde  
CA: no fair shes been on the market for less than a night  
GG: hes not black for rose hes just an idiot!  
GG: and why are we all still here????  
AG: I don't know what you're all so scared of!  
GC: 1 4LR34DY W3NT OV3R 1T W4SNT H4RD  
GC: SH3S JUST 4N ORD1N4RY K1D  
GC: WHO H4PP3NS TO B3 WR4PP3D ROUND K4N4Y4 L1K3 SH3S GO1NG TO FLO4T 4W4Y >:]  
AG: May8e I should go talk to them!  
AG: Yeah, right now.  
TA: ii dont 2ee why anyone care2.  
TA: what the hell even ii2 gender.  
  
\-- paused monitoring feed A#530 --

#

“So, Lalonde!” Vriska says, standing over you and giving you what she’s probably judged to be her most intimidating grin. “You’re ‘Rose’ now, then? Excellent! It suits you.”

“Thank you,” you say politely. You’re rather disconcerted because you can feel through your back a quiet growl from Kanaya. You know bits and pieces about their history together and you’re a little worried there’s going to be a scene.

“It is very nice of you to come over, Vriska, I’m sure,” Kanaya says. “Most of our friends seem to be keeping their distance.”

“They’re just embarrassed! They don’t know what to say and they’re worried they’ll make fools of themselves. But I’m glad you’re a girl now!” She turns to walk away, but then looks back. “It’s so much better this way!”

“What was all that about?” you ask Kanaya, who is still growing softly.

“Vriska is in many ways very complicated,” she says, “but in other ways she is very simple. She may well see you as a kind of rival, now that you are a woman in her eyes.”

You’re still lost at sea. “Vriska requires her rivals to be women? I thought she had that thing with Eridan a few years ago?” You frown. “Admittedly I didn’t know any of you very well back then, but—”

Kanaya interrupts you. “She considers you a rival because of me. Our history together. We grew up as close friends, and for a long time I saw her as a red prospect, but she was utterly oblivious. She was only interested in Tavros. It didn’t stop me. I settled into a paler red role with her and did a passable job at it, though for a long time I maintained my red crush. By the time she realized, I had finally moved on, which of course encouraged her to chase me.”

She sighs. “As for the chase itself, that is a long story, one that destroyed our moirallegiance and our friendship, but in the end I’m sure she still thinks of herself as a natural fit for my affections.”

Your eyes widen. “So now I’m her rival because...”

“Because she thinks I am interested in you.”

You pull away from Kanaya so you can see her properly. Her eyes are looking anywhere but yours and her cheeks are staining green; she’s blushing!

“Are you?” you ask. “Are you interested in me?” You’re asking too urgently and you don’t care.

She doesn’t answer, just bites her perfect lower lip with a fang, and in this moment you forget everything. You forget coming out; you forget all your friends and your worries about what they might think of you; you forget your insecurities and your doubts and the hundred tasks ahead of you that keep you up at night, worrying. You’re just Rose and she’s just Kanaya and my god, you want to kiss her.

You cup her cheek with one hand, and whisper, “Are you?”

She looks down and your eyes meet and you _know_. Before she can say anything you stand, slowly, one hand still clasping hers and the other dropping from her cheek to rest gently on her back. She stands with you, keeping her eyes on yours.

She’s a little taller than you but not much, so you hold your head up, just a little. If she wants it, if she wants _you_ , she’ll do the rest.

When your lips touch you close your eyes and let the kiss carry you away.


	8. Chapter 8

Your arm around her waist. Your lips on hers. This isn’t exactly your first kiss but it’s the first one you’ll remember for the rest of your life. 

She has one hand on your hip and the other on your neck and when you tighten your embrace she responds by clenching the hand in your hair. You can feel the tension in your skin as it tightens around her gripping hand and the sheer physicality of it is intoxicating: a kiss, a real kiss, is a full body experience and yours is responding in every way it knows how. Warmth pools in your cheeks and in your belly and you react instinctively, one hand tracing the contours of her back through her thin dress, the other moving from her cheek to her hair and grasping your own fistful. You squeeze and she squeezes back. 

You realize your eyes are still closed and when you open them she’s glowing, glowing the way she did in your room when you tried on this dress for the first time, glowing the way she has in your dreams ever since.

Her eyes are still closed so you pull away from her slightly, enough to get her to open them and you pause for a fraction of a moment because you’ve forgotten how beautiful her jade pupils are, long enough for the slightest frown of concern to pinch her brow, and then you find yourself and you kiss her again, harder this time. 

Her passion reflects yours and her hands are suddenly caressing you, from the arch of your spine to the crook of your arms, slowly, firmly, with confidence, as if the two of you weren’t a couple of inexperienced teens but had been together for lifetimes. 

Lifetimes. You like the sound of that. As long as she wants you, you will be hers.

At last, you relax your embrace on her and she does likewise and you pull away just far enough to create an inch of space between your bodies.

“My goodness,” she says. 

“I couldn’t agree more,” you reply.

#

\-- monitoring feed A#531 --  
  
GG: theyre KISSING  
GG: oh my gosh you guys look!!!!  
GG: be quiet  
GG: dont disturb them!  
TG: wow ok nice one rose  
TG: that was fast  
TG: making me feel all inadequate  
TG: hey does anyone want to kiss me  
TG: if i close my eyes and go stand by the most picturesque bonfire on the green  
TG: someone can just walk up and plant one on me  
TG: i wont make it weird  
TG: we can still be friends after  
TG: what am i saying  
TG: i hope no one heard any of that  
TG: got a reputation to keep up  
TG: i assume  
CG: WHAT ARE YOU MUMBLING ABOUT, STRIDER?  
TG: oh thank god  
TG: i need some aj  
GC: PSSST D4V3  
GC: M33T M3 BY TH3 ST4TU3 OF TH3 UGLY HUM4N G3N3R4L 4BOUT TO B3 THROWN FROM H1S HOOFB34ST ST33D  
TG: what why  
TG: what did you hear  
GC: >;]  
TG: well ok then  
  
\-- switched to monitoring feed A#532 --  
  
AG: I don't know what she sees in the kid. It makes no sense! You'd think if she was into me once she'd go for the same type again. Witty, dangerous, rich, erudite,   
AT: nARCISSISTIC,  
AG: H8y!  
AG: I hardly think you're in a position to evalu8 other people's personality flaws. Not with your extensive catalog of crimes against charisma.  
AG: In fact I want you to forget any critical thoughts you've ever had a8out me.  
AG: The point is Lalonde is nothing like that! She's... She's...  
AT: aRE YOU GOING, tO ADMIT,  
AT: yOU DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM,  
AT: i MEAN, hER, sORRY,  
AG: Who the hell are you apologizing to?  
AT: uH, mYSELF, mAINLY,  
AT: bUT ALSO ROSE, a LITTLE,  
AT: pART OF RESPECTING YOURSELF IS, rESPECTING OTHER PEOPLE,  
AG: Ruminant crap. Who told you that?  
AT: uM, kARKAT SAID NOT TO TELL ANYONE, aBOUT OUR SELF CONFIDENCE SESSIONS,  
AT: oH,  
AT: dARN,  
AG: Don't worry, we have more important things to talk a8out than your thinkpump pro8lems.  
AT: rEALLY,  
AT: bECAUSE, sOMETIMES IT SEEMS LIKE WE TALK ABOUT, nOTHING ELSE,  
AG: Pay attention. I need you to help me with Lalonde and fussyfangs.  
AT: hELP YOU WITH WHAT,  
AT: yOURE NOT GOING TO, dO ANYTHING TO THEM,  
AT: aRE YOU,  
AG: That little shit. May8e I'll go after her instead! Get a d8! Show her what it feels like to get dumped!  
AT: hEY, uM, wHICH HER IS WHICH,  
AG: Who cares!!!!!!!!  
  
\-- switched to monitoring feed A#533 --  
  
EB: i should say sorry to her.  
GG: yes you should!  
GG: hey where are you going???  
GG: you cant do it right now!  
GG: look at them  
GG: theyre in each others arms  
GG: kind of...... slow dance hugging  
GG: do you really want to interrupt them?  
EB: but i feel so bad! i want to make it up to her. to both of them.  
EB: and promise to do better.  
EB: i don't know if i can be perfect but i'll try!  
GG: well i guess youll just have to live with it for now  
GG: part of being wrong is you actually have to  
GG: you know  
GG: be WRONG for a while  
GG: if you go try and make up when youre ready and not when she is  
GG: how does that make it better??  
EB: i hate leaving it like this.  
EB: what even does she think of me right now?  
GG: im sorry john but i dont think anyone kissing that much is thinking of you at all  
TG: wow burn  
GG: oh hey dave  
GG: where did you go?  
GC: H3 W4S P4RT1C1P4T1NG 1N 4 CULTUR4L 3XCH4NG3  
TG: i am the captain kirk of interspecies communication   
  
\-- paused monitoring feed A#533 --  
  
TT: Roxy, I thought you should know that your daughter is now almost definitely dating the vampire girl.  
TT: They were seen kissing. The AR shard monitoring them informed me it was "hells of sweet" but I deleted the footage without watching it.  
HDE: VERY CHIVALROUS OF YOU.  
HDE: SHOULD INFORM YOU THAT THE LADY LALONDE IS CURRENTLY ASLEEP ON MY SHOULDER.  
HDE: SHE HAS BEEN UNDER A LOT OF STRESS AND I THINK IT WISE TO LET HER REST.  
HDE: WILL ENSURE SHE GETS HOME SAFELY.  
TT: Hey, thanks.  
TT: Uh.  
TT: Did you really enter your name as, and I'm guessing based on the available information here, "Hot Dad Egbert?"  
HDE: NO IDEA WHAT YOU MEAN.

#

There’s music playing but you’re not exactly dancing. Kanaya’s arms are round your back and yours are looped around her neck and you’re vaguely swaying in time with the beat but mainly you’re drinking in the sight of her, still softly glowing.

“So,” you say, quietly, “what are we, now?”

She frowns. “I am not sure what you mean.”

“A few days ago you talked about having, what was it? An ‘open blood pusher.’ Well, Kanaya Maryam, here’s my blood pusher, open and honest.”

You are surprised by how easy this is. You’ve never been one to make yourself vulnerable, perhaps because of who you are, perhaps because of who you’ve been, but this, this is natural.

She makes everything natural.

“I’ve read a little online about troll romance and how it relates to humans,” you say, “but honestly everything I read is rather confused, so I’d prefer simply to place my blood pusher on the table, and you can pick it up, or not, as you wish.” You laugh. “Am I making sense? I have no idea. I am, I have to admit, a little intoxicated by your presence.”

“You’re making perfect sense so far,” Kanaya says. “I am particularly grateful for the multiple references to blood pushers and I am anticipating the use of further Alternian terminology to put me at, as we say on my bafflingly alien planet, my troll ease.”

And she grins at you and you laugh again.

“Then, in pure human terms for you to interpret as you see appropriate: I love you, Kanaya Maryam. When we stumbled through our first awkward conversation together a year ago I came away thinking I’d never met anyone quite like you. Since then I nursed a crush on you that only grew with our every encounter. I dreaded this day, partly because I was afraid of coming out to everyone, true, but also because I would no longer have an excuse to spend time with you.”

You look into her eyes, trying to make it clear with the steadiness of your gaze the depth of emotion you feel. “I don’t want to need an excuse any more. I just want _you_.”

The whole time she’s kept her eyes locked on yours, and she doesn’t look away as she decides what she’s going to say.

“Rose,” she says, “I have been drawn to you for a very long time. You are and always have been fascinating, challenging, and beautiful. But you were also closed off and hidden. Now that you are very clearly who you are, my flushed feelings towards you have only strengthened.”

She breathes deeply, and a tremble of concern crosses her face. You try not to be distracted by the way it makes her lips and the tip of her nose twitch.

“For a while I was worried about acting, making myself fully known to you. In this time of change, I suspected I might be a distraction, a source of confusion. I did not want to hurt you the way I was hurt, but I had no way to know that I would not. So I resolved to control myself.”

She smiles again.

“But I am not sure I have ever heard of a rainbow drinker with less self control. I let myself slip that night when you tried on your dress and I have been slipping ever since. I cannot be your friend, Rose. Not _just_ your friend. I want something else from you.”

And she kisses you, lightly, quickly.

“Whatever the human word for this is, I want it,” she says, and before you can tell her or ask for clarification on what you suspect the troll word is because in the heat of the moment you’ve forgotten the difference between _matesprit_ and _moirail_ she’s kissing you again, deeply, slowly, and you fall into her.

You can figure out the words for things later.

Tomorrow, perhaps. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's left kudos and comments and friendly asks on my Tumblr; this has been my first fanfic and you've all made me smile.
> 
> This story is over, but it's now part of the slightly cheesily-titled [Let There Be Light](http://archiveofourown.org/series/62377) series. I'll be returning every so often and throwing in one-shots.


End file.
